I was laying in bed last night staring at the ceiling and I had one of my occasional flashbacks of the night when my dad died (don't read too much into it; anyone that has gone through a really tough experience has moments of flashbacks, it's just how one reacts to it is what determines if/how much one is “over it”). After having that happen and I am left looking at the ceiling, I cane to the realization of what I am really looking for in life, relationships, everything I do: stability.

Sure one could say my life is stable, but is it really? I look at my family, and yes my mom is doing well and says she feels good, but she's not exactly a picture of good health and she is getting on in years. I feel sometimes she's the linchpin of the house and if she goes, this house crumbles. I try my best to make it easier for her-giving her money every payday, doing things to make sure the house is OK, etc. But I feel as if no matter what I do is not good enough. Then there's my job. It seems like I am “safe” at my job, but between now and when the reshuffling of the organization happens when the new Bank of America Tower opens, anything that is said to be planned is just a rumor to me, and can change at anytime, and that could include of dropping me. Then there's whatever friendships I have. It seems like that all of my friendships seem to have something that could ruin them in an instant, either by something I could do or just a feeling of not having a full sense of honesty and that I could just be being used for someone else's gain.

Trust me I never thought like this. This all started after my dad died and it just felt like if that could happen, anything could. Since that day, my head's been on a swivel getting ready for whatever comes at me. All I want in my life is some situation where if the world is going batshit crazy, I have something that I can count on that's stable and I can be me and relaxed. If that doesn't make sense to you, sorry I have no time to go into detail as to what the hell I mean. Perhaps I put myself in all these situations and don't realize it, in that habits-especially bad ones-are always hard to get rid of and a lot of the time a person never realizes they are in a bad rut without someone else pointing it out.

Maybe this is why I put a lot into all I do, making sure that what I am getting into can handle all that I bring, both good and bad. I want to make sure that whatever I do in my life, I can be me and no matter what I have good or bad happen, it doesn't mess up whatever situation I am in at anytime in my life.

Hell, I could just be rambling on here saying absolute nothing. Maybe this instability in life is what one needs to truly live life, where it makes one adapt and experience things (both good and bad) they need to experience to say they truly live. All I know is that I want the feeling that everything is OK and I have a solid foundation under my feet. Last time I felt that was the night of December 4th, 2005.

-The past couple days I have been walking between two buildings to work, and in the heat I noticed a lot of things. First, tramp stamps (tattoos on lower back) on chicks are hot, but on guys are GAY (I saw on when a guy lifted his shirt to wipe his face off(. Also just the wide range of hot outfits ladies wear are amazing, especially ones wearing white almost see-through skirts and tops.

-One other thing, if you are not going to wear a bra ladies, first make sure you have a set that can handle it (some chicks looked like they could break their jaws if they started running), and also wear dark colored tops. Otherwise don't give me a dirty look if the wind blows and you “react” when you got a bright color top on and it shows.

-Watch the local morning news here (especially ch. 11), and it's like soft-core porn with headlines. Want hardcore? Watch any of the Spanish language channels at any newscast.

-”Rescue Me” is still one of the best shows on TV. It has a great mix of drama and comedy, and it's compelling TV. Doesn't help that it's based in NYC so it helps there's a level of familiarity to it. On the other hand, nothing on HBO really interests me, after “The Sopranos”, they really don't have anything good. Then again “Lucky Louie” was one of their tops shows and they still show the re-run on one of their digital cable channels, but that gets canceled. David Chase's back must be killing carrying Hbo all those years.

Wow I am in a lot of pain. I had to do some extra hours at work this morning, and I have a new floor to do but it's seven blocks away in another building. So several times today I had to walk to and from the building I work in and take care of it. I also had a lot of work to do in my building today, so I am one tired, sore puppy. The weather didn't help things at all. I hate the heat, and all the heat and humidity really sucked the energy out of me, and a lot of sweat. I think I may have lost a couple pounds working and walking today, and I also drank a lot of water, so I was recycling water in some form or another today.

I really just wanted to write something here since more and more people are admitting they read this crap, so i guess I shouldn't disappoint my “public”, guess there are some out there that want to feel better about themselves. I will leave this entry with something I have been reminded of this past couple days: All you can do in your life is what you want and also what you feel is right. It doesn't matter how others feel about what you do, but they should at least try to understand what you do. If they don't understand after you show them why, then that's more their problem especially if you tried your best to show them what the hell you meant by what you did or what you do in life. Never, ever question what you say or do. If it feels right, then do it. If it comes up in the future, just remember when you did or said what you did, it felt like the right thing to do or say, and you shouldn't have a damn thing to be sorry for. If more people in this world would take this fact to heart, a lot of the problems in this planet would be solved.

But what the hell do I know, I could be living the worst kind of way to live, but it feels right to me and it sure as hell gotten me a lot of achievements and successes, so I feel good about my life.

Remember how I say I like to help those I care for? Well last night I got a thank you from someone I've been trying to help as much as I can (not who I talked about in my last entry, someone else). This person I met through myspace (both PSU grads and I wanted to meet some more grads on there), and we have been talking on and off for a while. She's been going through a rough patch, where she almost found herself out of a job and place to live. She would text me and call me to talk about what's going on, and I would try to give her advice as to what to do, as well as she would do the same. Now it seems like things are working out for her, and there is some stability in her life. Last night she called me as she was unpacking in her new place. While we were talking, she came out with “I never thanked you did I for all you done have I? Well I want to because you really helped me out through some stressful times.” It was really cool to hear that, and it put a smile on my face and made what as a bad day seem a little better. A much as she says I don't I do owe her for all the times' she's spent listening to my crap, and all the advice she's given me (especially helpful getting a chicks' opinion-sometimes it helps give a different dynamic to a problem). It's things like this that makes me feel like what I do and how I act in life is worth doing, and that I am not wasting my time or living my life wrong. Karma's a thing with me (ying/yang thing as well), and I feel all the good I do now for myself and others will be rewarded in the future in a much bigger thing.

I am watching Fox Soccer Channel right now, and they are showing the last two US games form the Gold Cup. I have to leave the game on mute, the commentators are worst than the Yankees' radio announcers, who are just above th level of pro wrestling announcers. The US and Mexico play today in the finals of the tournament, and I may just watch the Spanish language channel, since I get more from their commentators than the English ones!!! In the bright side the Copa America is being broadcasted this year in the US, in Spanish, but at least the US games are going to be shown and I don' have to rely on the Internet for scores

My vacation is coming up in August, and I want to travel somewhere for at least part of it,just to get out of here and maybe clear my head. Any ideas where I can go for a couple days?

I am writing this as I am laying in bed with a bad stomach. I apparently ate something last night that didn't agree with me and I've been up pretty much since 5 this morning. I decided to stay in bed today and just watch some DVDs. This shouldn't be anything serious and should blow over today.

Yesterday I took the day off to take care of my dog who was just getting back from the vet. I spent most of the morning making sure he was getting used to the collar on his neck and he wasn't trying to get at his stitches. After that I went out and had some fun. Took in a movie and had dinner with someone and just had a good time. I was glad to do it, since this person seemed to need something fun to do with all that is going on. I was glad I was able to give this person some time. I am a little disappointed that I couldn't help this person resolve what's going on, but then again what is going on is something this person has to work on their own. I am sure this person will get through it all, and I've always told this person I'm there if needed, even if it's just to vent to.

I am sure people get pissed when I try to help them even when they don't need it, but I have this urge to help out all those I care for. I am sure that comes from me getting all the help and support I got as a young kid when I had cataracts and all the other issues I had. At the time I didn't want or need it, since the help made me feel like a freak and other kids would take the need of help as a weakness of me, but looking back at it I see that I should have (and am) thankful that someone or something had put these people in my life to help me and show me lessons that can and have made me a better man than I was before.

At this point in my life, I feel as if I should help others I care about and make their lives better. I also learned that to achieve my goals of helping others, I need to give my all to make sure that what I do to help, as well as I do in my life. If one gives all they can give in anything in their life, then there are no questions rattling and torturing you in the future. Has this need gotten me hurt? Yes. Have all the help I give not be appreciated and just used? Yes. But at the same time, in the grand scheme of life, I know that all the help I do now will be paid back to me in the future as a reward. Things happen for a reason, and if you keep yourself in a positive frame of mind and try to make things better than wallow in misery, whatever negative thing that happens will be balanced by something just as positive.


I may have said all this before, and I probably sound like a broken record, but of all the things in my life, this is one of the few things I truly believe happens. I hope that I help you by just writing all this. Now it's time to take a nap.

Been a while, so here's a couple thoughts:

-I'm so tired. I worked a lot of overtime the past couple weeks, and I”m sore as hell. I'm working Sat. working for a couple hours, and getting about 4 hours of OT. Why am I doing all this extra work you may be asking? Because they offer it, and it's all OT, and that's time and a half. I'm looking at a lot of pay next pay period, and most is going to savings, and maybe for some fun. I also got the vacation time I requested in mid August. I can't wait for my first real break in over a year from work. Now I just have to figure out what to do with my time. I believe the Thursday night and Friday of the week are more or less spoken for, but all the other days are more or less free. Maybe I”ll do some traveling, maybe I”ll just sleep...who knows I got time to figure all that out.

-My dog is going into the vet next week for surgery. It's the type of surgery where he's losing his two best friends, before he really gets acquainted with them. It's going to be a sad day when he comes home. I'm taking off the day he comes home to make sure he's ok, and also console him. He's also going to look funny with that satellite dish of a collar on him. I might just throw random treats onto the floor to see him sniff around with the collar and look like a vacuum. So the attention whore of a dog is going to be getting even more attention, and my dreams of being a dog pimp will be shattered!!!

-Sunday is Father's day. I'll be going to the sites of my father and grandfather. Sort of a bummer of a day for me but what am I going to do. I just have to live with it and move forward. Probably going to then spend the rest of the day cleaning and just making sure my mom's ok. Days like these do make her feel down, since this day is about her husband and celebrating him and all fathers. Hopefully you all take time to thank the guy who was your father or father figure in your life.

-One more thing, I saw a picture of the Mets mascot, Mr. Met. I never realized how creepy he really looks. I don't know why I am mentioning it, he just creeps me out with that stupid smile.

-And that's it, Things are going well overall. And the way things look it can only get better for me. I just need some more sleep!!

OK, so this weekend is full of soccer and racing for me. Today was all soccer, with the CONCACAF Gold Cup going on, and the US participating in it. I actually think of CONCACAF (the sanctioning body of soccer in the North, Central, and Carribian region) should be called CONCACRAP for the half-assed way they run things. They piggy-back on the US and Mexican teams for their revenue, and the policies and decisions are dictated by small countries who can't even live up to the standards FIFA gives for countries to participate in FIFA-sanctioned events. Anyway the US is favored to win the tournament as usual, and today they won their second group game, qualifying for the knockout round. After this tournament, the US and Mexico are going to participate in the Copa America as guests, the Copa America is the South American championship, and is the third biggest international tournament (behind the World Cup and the European Championships).

All this tournament play is great for the US , since they need to get into more international games that matter, not just the exhibitions they usually plan. It also is good in that the younger players can showcase their skills in big matchs and possibly get opportunities with the big European clubs, which could lead to even more and better development, and better players. The US youth team is also in action this summer, playing in the Under-17 Worl championship in Canada. It's always a good tournament for the US, they made have qualified for it every time it has been held, and the US has always had strong teams in it, falling usually to the eventual winners. Youth soccer is tricky, since most of the young players that stand out usually either fizzle out or end up just average. But the US has always has good youth players, and its not uncommon for a European team or two to sign a few of the players. MLS has also helped with the development of the players as well. It's a good time to be a soccer fan in the US.

Sunday is racing day. The 24 hours of LeMans starts off next week, and that's always a fun race to watch. Also the Formula 1 race in Canada is tomorrow, another great time watching these artworks of cars perfom almost flawlessly. Then there's the NASCAR race in the Poconos. This is always my favorite race to watch since I used to live by the track and as crowded it got up in the area, it was always cool to see all the NASCAR related events in the area.

On another note, I decided to try to get the week of Aug. 13 or 20 off. I fele like I should take a week off and find something fun to do. Maybe I”ll just stay home all week and sleep, who knows.

Just throwing up some stuff out here just because I felt like writing something here.

-I am so glad Verizon doesn't charge for texts and phone calls between in network phones.. Te past few weeks could have been expensive!!!

-Lots of work this week and next week. Just means a ton of OT for me and more cash to blow on something stupid but shiny.

-Speaking of work, I need to figure out what week in August to take off. My boss keeps reminding me I got time off available and I plan on taking a week off this summer. Also have to figure out what to do on that week off, assuming I can afford it. I just spent almost a grand the past week on my cell phone bill (two phones on it-mine and my moms), and car insurance. The good thing is that my budgeting I started doing worked out that i had enough for all that and didnt' have to stress out. I'm a big boy now!!!

eh, I really got nothing, but I am sure some of you just wanted to read something.

OK the past few days have been quite interesting. I had to make a choice that I was really putting off, and in reality should have been made a long time ago. The other day I made the choice, and as much as it hurt and made me upset for a little while. In the end it is the right thing to do. See, if I didn't make the choice I did, I would still be living in the past, spinning my wheels over something that although I would like to have it move forward, it isn't up to just me in the end. So I am now going to move forward and see where the road that is like take me. I want to say thanks to those who had helped me in all this, you know who you are, I couldn't make it without you and all your advice. On the bright side, when one door closes, another opens. Hopefully the next one that opens has what I exactly want.

SO far I am also improving myself. I went out and bought a water filter, and gave up my Hi-C juice. I want to cut down on my sugar and see if that can help me lose some weight. I haven't checked my weight recently, but after a week of just drinking primarily water, I do feel better. So far that part is going for me, and the next part is to actually work out. That I still have to figure out what exactly I will be doing for that.