I don't know how to start this entry, so I'm just going to go into it. Today I've had something on my mind for a good part of it. I was talking to someone on the computer and one's goals in the next five years came up. I was asked what were mine, and I honestly couldn't give an answer. I really don't have set goals for that far off. Mostly because I don't believe in having blinders on that is set on a goal. To me, doing that can make one not see what else is out there, possibly something special. It's also to me kind of selfish of one to have goals and focus solely on them, especially to a point where you shut out others and just be an asshole to those who one perceives to get in the way of their goal. It is nice to have a goal, don't get me wrong, just to commit yourself so strongly to it is something that I feel hurts a person in the long run. I respect those who do it, provided that they understand the consequences of having such a commitment. Nothing drives me more crazy when someone sets themselves up to do something and focus so strongly on that thing, then bitch and moan that they missed so many other things around them. Maybe it's just me, but if one chooses to do something and make that their sole objective, that tells me that objective or goal is the only thing that matters, and everything else means shit to them, and whatever passes them by should not be regretted. If it is, then thats on them to deal with the regret.

I don't have long term goals, I usually go by year-to-year. I do that because things are more tangible, and it's more controllable. I also do that because I find that doing things in small chunks in the long term leads up to having a lot done in the end. So seeing that the end of the year is close, I thought I would write down some of the goals I have for the next year.

1.Get a tattoo: I have said that a few times already. I already have the image picked out, and I'm going to scan it in a computer to firs put up here to show you, but also possibly send it out to the guy I”m thinking of going to and see how much it'll cost. Also planning on saving up a bunch of money since I have no clue how much it's gong to cost me. The wheels are in motion, and it will happen.
2.travel somewhere: Not sure when I am going, possibly out west to see some people. I also plan on going to DC at least once to see some family, and possibly take in a Mets game. I also would like to hit some other cities on the East coast, just to get out there. Also maybe take a trip out to God's Country, State College, PA, and see the old alma mater.
3.save more money: First because I have to be able to pay for all this shit!!! Second, just to try to stop some of the impulse buying. I have plans on buying one big thing, a new R/C car after I sell the one I have now, but beyond that I have no big purchases planned.
4.just get my shit together: By this I mean just get myself over one big fear I have, which I wrote about recently (look at the entry about what keeps me up at night). Also try to get myself over the fear of ending up alone, which is stupid since in reality I shouldn't need anyone to depend on, but for some reason I feel as if I couldn't function if every person in my life-family, friends-would walk out on me right now.

These are the goals I do have for 08. I plan on meeting most of them, but if I don't I won't sit here sad or angry at everyone in my life just because I fell short. There is one sort of Ironic thing about my last goal. My mentality is that I have a mindset that if anyone doesn't back up what they say, flat out lie to me, try to change me and compromise my trust, Bye...nice knowing you. Most of the people I have met in my life have either taken advantage of my trust, or talked a whole lot of talk, but when I call them out on it, they fold and suddenly expect me to just accept that they lied to me. I've had people tell me to be myself and thats all they want from me, then when they see how I am, they either get upset at me and then try to force me to change for them, and even have the balls to tell me that me acting like myself is selfish. I don't have a lot of friends, in fact my “circle of friends” don't even make a circle, but I rather have a small amount of people who are cool with me and how I am, rather than a ton of people who are bullshitting me or only partly accept me. Take me for who I am, or just piss off. It's that simple.

Finally, see the small map on the side of the page here? It's a site that tracks where people are that read this blog. Don't worry, it's not tracking you in an intrusive way, just showing where people have read my blog. Apparently my stupidity is going worldwide!!! It's something I find interesting to see, and nice to know what I am doing here is potentially helping others and impacting lives around the country and the world. Thank you all for reading this.

Hello all, Merry Kissmas!!! I forgot this piece of garbage promotion on my list last entry. It's done by a lot of classic rock stations and VH-! Classic cable channel. What it is for the most part is featuring Kiss and their music (or in VH-1's case-showing every live concert Kiss recorded). First off, Kiss is almost as big of a joke in rock as Styx or Journey. Gene Simmons is probably one of the greatest bullshit artists out there, and he has a knack of whoring out the Kiss name on anything (for God's sake, they have a Kiss Coffin). When I hear of Kissmas, I thought “damn Gene Simmons bought Christmas?!?!?! I guess the Jews now own and run everything now!!”

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday and got what they wanted. I got some nice stuff, but one thing I sorta wanted I didn't get, but oh well I'll move on. I was surprised with how many people weren't cool with my gift, or at least the amount of it. But it was nice to give what I can, and make other happy. Most of the time people respect and appreciate all I do, other times people don't get it and usually aren't around me long after that. Of course I got one thing I appreciate getting, Call of Duty 4, but thought was a gag gift sine I have nothing to play it on due to my Xbox shitting the bed. That will change soon, maybe Friday when I go buy a new Xbox. Why aren't I sending my system out to get fixed? First I never registered it, so that is a problem. Second, I want a brand new system since I don't' trust refurbished ones, plus the new ones have HDMI capabilities.

One gift I got from my Aunt and Uncle was a six-pack of beer from a Long Island brewery. I believe the name of it is Blue Point Toasted Lager. I haven't tried it yet, but if the saying is true that a beer is like the women where it is brewed, this beer is either going to be one that goes down easily, and aims to please, or it's going to be overrated, tasteless and irritating where no enjoyment is present.

I will be drinking this beer, along with whatever beer I have left form the other day, while watching the Giants-Pats game Saturday night. It' nice to see that the game went from being broadcasted on only one obscure channel, to every goddamn channel now!!! As long as I get it in HD, I'm in good shape. I'm conflicted though; I am a Giants fan all my life, but I sorta want to see the Pats go undefeated. I respect the Pats and how they have ran their organization. Either way it should be the only good game this week. Since the playoffs are pretty much set, this last week of the regular season is almost a fifth preseason game, with all the scrubs that are going to be playing most of the games.

If he didn't die, I'd love to see NFL or the broadcasting networks try to tie-in former wrestler “Mr/ Perfect” Curt Henning into some vignettes or promos about the Pats. Speaking of wrestlers, maybe I'll write about my all-time favorite bad-guy wrestlers form years ago.

Right now I'm watching something of the History Channel about the Latin Kings street gang-always good to learn about one's neighbors..

OK, i finally got all my Christmas stuff done, got all my gifts ready to be given out. So far so good and now waiting for Tuesday to see what I get. Hopefully all of you have a great Christmas and that all your holiday wishes come true, but know that sometimes they don't', but that's not because you have done something wrong, but whatever you wished for wasn't meant to be (trust me, that has been the reality for me all my life)

I have been listening to a lot of the classic rock stations on regular and satellite radio. I like a lot of the old-school rock, but also I like to listen to classic rock stations to remind me how shitty some of the music was in the 70's and 80s . There are some of the hacky bits in classic rock that makes me laugh and realize that shit like this made me get satellite radio to avoid this and the commercial loads on any given station, not to mention the edited songs for “time constraints” (as in-”we want to add another commercial to the break”). Here are some examples:

Two for Tuesdays-the classic bit where two songs of the same artist is played back to back...great just what I want to hear, two Springsteen songs. Rather take a power drill to my ear and shove real hard.

Zeptember-the entire month of September is dedicated to Led Zeppelin this involves songs of the band, tidbits about the band, and just one big ego stroke of he band. Ok they were good, but I always thought they were highly overrated. How many times can you hear the same 4 songs over and over?

Rocktober-an entire month of RAWK baby!!! No shit sherlock, YOU'RE A FUCKING ROCK STATION!!!! Every month should be rocktober!!!!

Get the Led out-Like Zeptember but only for a weekend or daypart of a station. Sorta like saying “I only got a little bit of AIDS”.

Styx and Stones Weekend-OK, when this is announced for the first time, even before they finish the word “Styx”, people should be at the station setting it on fire and raping and pillaging the staff. I almost wanted to firebomb a Karaoke bar the other weekend when some jackass requested to sing “lady.” Plus why piss on the Stones by affiliating them with a band that makes Journey look like manlier and more credible?!?!!? Sure the Stones have a bulletproof rep, but let's not really test it.

Now onto a couple different subjects. First I am reading Kevin Smiths latest book, “My boring ass life”, which is a collection of his blog entries. It's quite an interesting insight into his life and career, and also shows one how the entertainment industry works. It's sorta a long read, but it's a fun read. Another thing I wanted to talk about is I may found a tattoo parlor to get my tat at. It's ran by a guy who is in the ESC, and is based in Astoria. So far from the website i have seen, he does some good work. When I get the money and time, I plan on hitting his place.

One more thing, Ive been wearing my Kangol hat more and more (forwards, I am white after all) indoors. It just feels good on me, and looks good too. I have to find another hat for the summer now, since the wool hat isn't good to wear on a hot day.

that's all I can think of writing. Merry Christmas to all since I don't plan on writing anything until after then. Thanks for the patronage, and always remember this; I may not be the brightest person out there, I may say some really out there stuff here, but I will NEVER apologize for what I say here or wherever I say something. I will take responsability for what I say/do, but whatever I do or say I only do because I think is right. Some may agree and accept it, some wont. I am guessing those who read this are in the first part, but if you aren't, Why the fuck you reading?

This isn't going ot be as deep as some of my other entries, it's just something to kill time and just talk about a couple things I've thought about lately.

First Tonight is the Mega Millions drawing, and I got my ticket. I usually get a ticket once or twice a week, because you never know. I was thinking about what kind of a millionare I would be if I ever won. Would I be a humanitarian with my money? would I just cut off everyone and go live my life elsewhere? I am not sure. I figure I would probably end up acting like one of my favorite bad guy wrestliers of all time, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase-but sans the shiny outfits he once wore. If you never seen this chaacter, look for him on Youtube for some of the bits he did. His character was an evil millionare throwing money around to get what he wants or to embarrass others for his pleasure. One of my favorite bits was when he said to a little kid he would pay him $100 to bounce a basketball 15 times. When the kid got to 14, Dibiase kicked the ball from the kid to make him lose, and it made the kid cry. It's still one of the funniest things I've seen a bad guy do in wrestling. If you ever get a chance search this guy on the Net, especially if there's video of his bits, real comedy. This is the guy I'd probably be. Another thing Iwould have to do is hire a “sevant” like his character had, and I would actually make the guy wear the shiny sleeveless tux.

His character was one of the biggest assholes in wrestling, but the interesting fact is that Dibiase is actually a devout Christitan that not only does tour to preach and speak to people, but also has a small wresling group to also help spread the word of God.

On another note, I'm watching G4 TV, the digital cable channel devoted to videogames and other things. One fo the shows they have had on for a while now is “Ninja Warrior.” Not sure if I ever mentioned it in the past, but it's a Japanese gameshow that is 4 stages, each stage is an obsticale course that participants run through to see who can finish the entire course. It's almost impossible to do, and I think only a cople guys have done it. It's an interesting watch, and even more interesting when the show talks about the cult like approach the gamesho has had. Many of the participants train all year for a shot, even so far as to build some of the obsticales to train on.

NBC is making another version of American Gladiators, one of the best game shows ever. I still watch the old ones on ESPN classic when I catch it. The new one is supposed to be the same format, but updated. Usually when “updated” is used, it means “made shittier than the original”, but I guess that will be determined in a couple weeks. Seems like there is a market now for remaking old shows/movies, though most of them are horrible. I'm not really big on remakes and I will alwys go back to the originals, especially with comedies due to the PC police ruin original jokes and just pussify the humor. I did come up with a short list of shows I'd like to see remade though, mostly because they can't be any worse than the garbage that is brought out these days:

“The Fall Guy”-show about a stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter
“Simon and Simon”-polar opposite brothers that open a P. I. company, and hijinx ensues
“Remington Steele”-chick detective gets a thief to at like her ficticious partner of title name
“Hunter”-police drama series that helped make the Dodge Daytona a hot car


All are crime/police dramas I understand, but then again during the 80s. that's all there really was to watch that was intersting. I can thin of other shows, but those are shows that are special to me and it wold be wrong to see them destroyed in a remake.

I haven't slept well the past several days. Along with the stuff I have written here recently that has been on my mind, one thing that always is there, but I usually just let it go. This time however I seem to not be able to with the holiday season and all. To you its probably something minor, or you may read this and think I am crazy, but that's you and you are not me.

What's been on my mind at night as I lay down in bed to sleep is something simple and probably common. I worry about what would happen if “the rug is ripped out from under me.” I was thinking about the family I am living with now, mine, and realize that we all ain't getting any younger. My mom seems to be doing well, but then again my dad looked fantastic a couple years ago as well. She's go Diabetes and smokes, so she's got that against her. and she doesn't really keep any of it in check as far as doctors go (I believe she has a real fear of them, and hospitals. Hence why she doesn't go). So I live at home still, with her and my sister. I know, real chick magnet here, but it also is more of a money issue. That's the thing; God forbid something happens and I am left here without my mom. What am I going to do? My job is not paying my much right now, so I can't just go out and get my own place. I think I could force myself to stretch my check to do so, but seeing what places could fit my budget i'd probably be living in a closet in the middle of nowhere. I see what I get in my paycheck and wonder how I could survive on it if I had to. Maybe I just suck at my saving money, but then again I am not really doing insane impulse buying.

I also look at if I was forced to, how would I handle all the affairs as far as getting rid of this house and all the stuff inside of it. It's not an easy thing to do in New York City, and especially in the current real estate climate. There's so much crap in the house, that I should really start to get rid of anyway. It's going to take a while to do so. I”ve been planning to try to clear out the basement and just any extra crap in the house since my dad died, maybe next year I will do so.

It's funny, as I am writing this, I am watching the dog play in the other room. He's playing with his rawhide bone without a care or concern. he seems to have a simple life: sleep, eat, get attention and play with us, and just hang out. It's somewhat of a utopian life if you think about it. At the same time, he also depends on us to feed and take care of him. That's another worry of me: if this house went, so would the dog at the same time. that would probably be one of the hardest part for me to get done. the dog has bounced around from a couple houses before coming into my life, and to do that again to him, especially after he's grown attached to me, my sister and my mom, it would be heartbreaking. For some reason, this is one of the hardest parts of me to worry about. He would be a victim of circumstance, and he would not be asking for it. As much as he is technically my mom's dog, since she picked him, I've grown to love the dog. he's got a way to make me smile and make me feel calm and better about any troubles I have. To get rid of him would be like getting rid of my arm. I dont' know why I have such a connection to an animal, but it seems like I have one. I”m not ashamed to say that I almost cried one night thinking about this.

I think most of this stuff I just wrote about comes form being here at home all the time. When i was in college and away form home, I never really had to worry about all this, probably since I had enough to worry about and I was actually on my own. For all I know, this is what I need to stop thinking about all this. Or it could be another simple thing like, and I believe this is the medical term, I am bat shit crazy. but now I am going to try to put my goals for next year down, maybe it will help me keep them in mind to achieve them.

OK, so now on my list for things to do next year, I have so far:

1.Get a tattoo
2.Work on cleaning out this house of crap
3.try to figure out my budget and see how much my paycheck can get me. Maybe I can move out of here and onto my own life
4.I should add try to travel to see other places and people

I will be adding more to this list, and hopefully I'll be able to achieve what I have on this list.

On top of all this, I have been worried about a couple people in my life that I find to be special and important to me. One just had their latest major issue resolved today, and I couldn't be happier. the past night or so has been a little nerve-racking for me, and I'm sure much, much more for her. She had to face something that would have been life changing and devastating. She had to take another test that the fist time didn't come back right, and needless to say this has probably been the most stressful time for her, especially since it's something that would be affecting her lifestyle. On top of this, she did something not-so-bright, and I scolded her for it since there was no excuse for her to do what she did. Much like anytime she has asked me for advice, I tried to give her the best informed advice I could, and a lot of the times it seemed to help make her feel at peace. Yesterday I had to blast her and be probably the most brutal I could to try to make sure she nderstood what was going on and what the ramifications could be by her actions, and what the results of the test could be. Last night I was really worried about how is she going to handle the result if it doesnt' go her way. I know it's not anything I should b eworried about, but she is someone that I really care for and friends always worry about friends who are in trouble.

But today I checked my email on my phone, and I got an email from her saying everything came back ok, and as much as I am sure it was a burden off her shoulders, for some reason I felt calm as well. See, she's been one of my few friends that has been the most brutal as far as her honesty with me, as I have been with her. She's also has been through a lot, and I would always make time for her to let her vent, giver her some advice on a subject, and just be a friend. She's been the same for me, and in this world these days, that is something rare. I am glad that things are going to be ok for her, and at least there is one thing I don't have to worry about.

On the other hand, I have another person in my life that is just as, or even more special to me than the person I have just talked about. This person and I have had our ups and downs, but no matter what happened, I always had a special feeling for her. I have said some brutal things about her here, and some of it I felt was justified, but some of it was possibly over the line, yet at the time I thought it was right and I take responsibility for my words. This person in particular has been given a real raw deal the past year or so. She has had to deal with a lot more in that said year, than most have to deal with in a lifetime. Through all this, she has come out stronger than I'm sure she's even through she could be. She sure as hell strong enough that she needs no one else if her life, especially someone like me, and I have always felt blessed that she would have even give me tie time of day, let alone what she has given me in happiness. Recently she has had to deal with a lot of family issues, and it has led to her having a massive amount of work and stress on her. I've experienced what the stress was like for her recently, and since then, she has been on my mind even more, and in my prayers even more. I worry about her because of the job she does, and the amount of work she has had to do that could be an issue for her safety. And with the amount of work she has been doing, I also worry about her health and hope her body and mind can endure it.

It hurts me that I can't really do anything to make it better for her. I have sent her emails every so often talking about what's been going on in my life. Some may consider that insensitive or selfish to talk about me with all that she is going through but I have a reason that's pretty simple: I'm just trying to give her something to read and possibly for a moment to not think about what is going on in her life, and maybe give her a smile in her stressful time. Not only that, but also to simply let her know “hey, I'm thinking of you and pulling for ya to overcome all the challenges in front of you, because I believe you can.” I've also done some other things as well as the emails, and I honestly am not sure what kind of impact it all has made, but I just hope that the reasons for what I have been doing is obvious and not misunderstood. After reading all this, I'm sure some of you are THRILLED to have read this information and what's on my mind. I”m sure I'll be getting emails/calls about all this.

These are the types of things that I think about at night in bed, and sometimes at work, but mostly at night when I am trying to sleep. I'm amazed I even get any sleep.

So Friday night I had a couple things that stuck in my head. First, after going to a Karaoke bar and hearing what some consider singing, I think we didn't drop enough bombs on the Japanese. But what saved me issues with the Japanese is what Nintendo has done with the Wii. They have a service where you can buy and download older games. Games from their library, but also games that were made for Sega's Genesis and the other major game systems that have been out in the past. I got a bunch of my old favorites and have been enjoying them the past day or two, all while looking at the paperweight that is my Xbox 360.

Overall Friday night was ok, outside of some things going on around me. It as nice to get out and not mope around the house. It was also good to be distracted for at least one night from some of the things that have been on my mind this past week. I really needed to get out and focus on something else rater than my bullshit, and seeing what was going around me that night did help. Had to focus on my cousin who left to go home early because he was sick, and had to help make sure his wife got home ok. Also hung out to try to be somewhat calming presence as well for others, especially since I wasn't really drinking that night (don't ask me why, I had a few drinks and then I had no desire for anymore-so it was water the rest of the night). Sort of fitting I somehow was dressed as a security dude.

Next morning went to Union Square with some people to do some christmas shopping in the small stores that are set up in the park for the holidays. Well, they did shopping, I just tagged along since my list is done. I went to the same event they have in Bryant Park, but this one is bigger and with better quality shops. So after a little walking and looking, I went home and got some Christmas stuff done.

I get home and help get the tree up and decorated. As new as the tree is, it was bought last year, it still is put on a stand that my dad made (which is a regular tree stand bolted on a milkcrate with part of it cut out so Mary, Joseph, an Jesus can be put inside of it). I started thinking about all that and it hit me. the tree is like a metaphor for my life. As new as things are built and grown in my life, there is a base of it that was placed and created by my dad that is always there to hold things up. One thing that my dad instilled in me is the idea that whatever you do for others, do it because you want to and do it for the best intentions. That's what I do, and for the most part people seem to get it and appreciate it. Then there are times where others don't to take what I do with some shady or ulterior reason, or sometimes it's taken as me being selfish, which blows my mind. So let me get this straight, I take the time, effort and sometimes money to do something for someone to make them feel better or at least not as shitty, and that's a selfish act??? if that's the case, I'm one selfish motherfucker, and I'll continue to be one. I don't ask to get involved with other's family/personal issues, I don't try to force change on others or be a huge distraction. I just listen, and try to give as much advice as I can without really getting involved. I don't see how that's selfish, but apparently it is. So I guess will have to learn to deal with a selfish prick like me.

Ironically, I hate it when others do the same for me. Why is that you ask? because I feel guilty having it done for me, especially when sometimes the people that do things for me shouldn't even think of me and more of themselves and make themselves better. I'm sure that's what others think about me, but in reality, I don't see a lot of what I can do to improve myself and my life any better than it is now. Most of any improvements I can think of can only come from over time and with patience. Even though I do not really like things done for me and feel guilty that it is done. I am damn sure appreciative of what they do and never for get it.

Also this week marked something really rare. I was wrong about something. I was so wrong that I had to apologize to a lot of people about it. I was a real dick to a lot of people who thought I was wrong in my thinking and I was such a dick about it. I had my arrogance up in that I am never wrong about things my heart and mind are in agreement on, but this week that was proven so wrong, i felt like Imus apologizing to everyone for being a huge douchebag. Not surprisingly, the response has been either “hey it's cool. I was just being a concerned friend and it's ok”, to “See? that's what you get for not listening to me.” Eh I was wrong, I learned from it, and now time to move on.

Sorry if this whole deal is a little disorganized, just have a lot on my head that is trying to get out, and it's not exactly in the most orderly way. but then again if you've been reading this for a while you should be used to it.

I don't know if there is a full moon or what, but this week has been really fucked up. Started Monday with my day at work just going wrong, where a lot of little things were just going wrong or odd. From there, things that I didn't expect happening in fact happened, and I've been left in a state of confusion and frustration. Today I almost destroyed some of the stock that was ordered today, the frustration with everything pretty much boiled over from all the bullshit. Not to mention the news I got from some people this week that has upset me greatly. To top it all off, tonight my Xbox 360 got the “red ring of death”. What that means is that the machine is fucked and is more or less a paperweight. I must have learned some for of restraint, because the thought of throwing the fucking thing across the room was there, but I didn't. I have to look if my machine is still under warranty, considering Microsoft knew their earlier machines were shit, and extended the warranty to cover their asses. If I didn't have to pay for Christmas gifts, I'd blow my paycheck on a brans new system tomorrow. The good news is I have my Wii still, so I have something that will occupy my time. I should try to get a screen cap of my Mii, since it's a really creepy looking version of me.

So right now I am just sitting here watching wrestling and writing this. I am glad I have tomorrow (the 14th) off. Not sure what exactly I am doing, I may just stay in bed all day until I have to get ready for the party I am going. Can't wait to go to the party as I said before. Going to be nice to blow off some steam. One other good thing is that Time Warner is actually getting it and adding more High Def channels to their system, so I guess this week hasn't been a complete clusterfuck.

I know that I have said that this time of year sucks for me, but for some reason the past few days seemed to magnify the suckyness. Between my dad's anniversary, the idea that this is the time where he would be getting the house together and I miss that tradition, and just the workload getting higher and higher at work, it's just taking a toll on me. I”m just feeling run down and just really out of it. What really sorta put all this in the forefront was what has happened the past couple days, one thing that came out of nowhere and I was totally not ready for to handle. This should all pass soon, and I'm trying to keep my head in a positive attitude. Friday nigh I am going out to hang with people who I have really grown to appreciate for their friendships, so that could help put me in a better mood. I'm sure a couple of them are reading this, so know what I just wrote there I really mean and I am thankful for you for putting up with my bullshit, and not treat me like a “tag along” with my cousin.

Another thing I have noticed, I have a hard time watching a lot of the kid's Christmas specials I used to watch as a kid (or at least as best I could with that giant cloud in front of me called Cataracts). I know, grown up men without kids shouldn't watch these programs, and if they do it's to fucking creepy, but what's wrong with a little nostalgia. I have probably touched on this in the past, but more and more I have noticed that whenever one of these specials come on TV, I either make it a point to avoid it, or try to watch it and have to “tap out” after a couple minutes. For some stupid reason, when I watch these shows, I get a feeling of sadness and uncomfortableness that I have to stop watching. It's like the same uneasiness I get whenever I try to talk to people about how it was like when I had Cataracts. If anyone who has tried to talk to me about that, you know how antsy I get, I get douche chills, and eventually I do all I can to change the subject. There's a lot about the subject that I don't like to talk about, I don't know why, it just bugs the hell out of me. So as a result of that, kids specials on TV from my youth aren't “must see” in my life. Should be interesting if I ever have kids and have to endure these specials with them.

Ok on a different note: I”m going to try some different things, try to make things more diverse in my life. Should try some new drinks this weekend, just to keep away from straight “beer, beer, beer” I usually do. maybe I'll try some Jagermeister again. tried it years ago, and I want to try it again. Hopefully it won't drive me bat-shit insane type of drunk. Then again the last night I went out and there were shots involved, I saw a guy down shot after shot, and as fine as he seemed when he left, he wasn't when he got home (wrote about it a few months ago).

ok now for part two of my blog thing. I can write this now since I am not as cranky. First Sat night went to a party in the Bronx (for some reason all the parties somehow end up there....) Anyway, I get there with my cousin, and first off I look at the décor of the place, and am amazed a gay man like the party host was would endure one minute in an apartment with the color scheme that was in it. Anyway it wasn't that bad of a place, sorta cramped what apartment in the Bronx isn't? I go to put my jacket in the bedroom, and it was an eye-opening moment. The bedroom had dark walls, but I guess that was to emphasize the pictures on the walls. All I know is that after seeing that wall, there was more cock on the walls than in the back of a Mexican's house. Many pics of David Beckham, and the guy from “Harry Potter” (the “Equis” photos). Here's the sad part...well two sad things. First, the pics o the walls I already had seen at some point (thanks to the English media who have no morals-they LOVE putting unedited pics like these in their regular news stories), and BTW I believe the Beckham pics were all airbrushed...at least form the quick glance that I saw. The other sad part, is that my cousin only commented on the Marvel comics poster on the wall (not sure if it was to divert his eyes or he is really a geek that only saw that poster). Hey I ain't complaining, the host is a damn fine cook and if cock is what the guy wants, that's his thing.

So the party went on, and it was going well, when someone mentioned the boxing match and the idea of going to a bar to check it out. So a group of us go out and walked around the neighborhood looking for a bar showing it. No one was, and it's not really a shock, since it was a White guy against a Black guy. If there was a Hispanic in the match, every bar would have had it. So after the walk, we come back to the party. I sit on the couch and I look into the host's room, and I see my cousin and another friend using the weights, while the host of the party looked on with a look of lust. It was funny to see, and honestly I don't think either guy noticed it. Overall the party was a good time, then again anytime is a good time with these guys. This Friday is another get together and it should be just as fun.

Another couple ponderings:

-The more I listen to it, I am beginning to realize that “Life is Peachy” is probably Korn's best album out of all of their work

-Call the Giants boring all you want, but they are winning. Sucks they won't win the division, but they should be solidly in the playoffs

-On that same point, sucks CBS had to watch that shit game with the Jets and not the Pats game. BTW they say the line for the Pats/Jets game is the Pats are favored by 25. Nice to see that that parody bullshit is not in effect at this time

-Once again, a QB won the Heisman, but once again he probably won't have a good career in the NFL due to his style of play is actually fun to watch, something the NFL is against

-To all those who said the Jets would make the playoffs and the Giant's won't..how's that working out for ya?

that's it, that's all there is.

OK I just got home and started enjoying this thing call rest. Haven't had any at all since I woke up today. Let me go through what my day was like....

-alarm is set for 3:30am-I wake up at 3am, this is after not getting asleep until 11:30

-get up and leave the house about 4:00am

-get the train and get into work about 4:45-5:00am

-I start in my opening the pantries in my first building, trying to get it done before the milk delivery arrives, only to find that the milk crates that were supposed to be out by the elevator for pickup weren't so that was a quick scramble to find all of them in time.

-I get all the pantries open with the coffee and crap. just in time since....

-THE MILK IS HERE!!! I carry the crates of milk into the first pantry I am going to do (there are three in the first building), and my back hurts...yeah, this is going to be a fucking fun day.

-get the first pantry done and go to the second one, to find their fridge fucking disgusting. Threw out all I needed to get the milk into the fridge, if people don't like it if I threw out something of theirs...fuck them and fuck their mothers!!! Label your shit next time.

-get the last pantry done with no problem and then start my walk to me other building, which is my main building I deal with....ooh yeah, that happens to be EIGHT BLOCKS UPTOWN!! Anyone who makes the joke or even thinks the phrase “Well at least you are getting exercise”, I'll smash your goddamn skull in for making that hack fat joke!!!

-it's now about 6am when I get to my main building in Rockefeller Plaza. I have to haul ass and get all 11 pantries open before 7:30 due to two meeting setups I have to deal with.

-I somehow get the place done by 7, get the meetings setup and then I can rest now.....

-OH WAIT, MORE MILK!!! I have to take the milk for THIS building and put them in the pantry fridges.

-so I get that done (and my back is in pain), and it's now 8:30am. Gotta do a quick round in this building.

-after that is done, I gotta walk to the first building to check on that one. at this point my back and ankle was killing me

-get to the first building and the first floor to check. There was a damn pond on the counter. Seems the new water machine the company got had a faulty tank and it leaked all over. I don't need this shit.

-After cleaning that mess up and shutting off the machine and water valve, I noticed i am about 30 minutes off my usual schedule. That means some of the pantries in my main building are getting empty on coffee.

-rush through the rest of the first building and run to the other one....well, hobbling and sweating

-now 10:30, time is flying by, and I get what I need done in my pantries done. maybe I'll rest now...

-NOPE, ANOTHER MEETING SETUP, comes real early but i breeze through it.

-another round (yes, these animals in my building drink a lot of coffee), and i blow my nose and now I have a nose bleed!! that's not the only red I was seeing....this day is getting worse

-noontime, my co-worker came in and she as doing her thing, this meant less work for me

-go out to get lunch, excited of actually getting to sit down for a bit. come back, sit down, get my XM receiver out to listen to Ron and Fez, and as I start to eat, my nose bleeds AGAIN!!!!

-finally 2:00pm rolls around and I get to go home..only for this shit to start again tomorrow.


Yes my job isn't brain surgery or curing cancer, but at the same time it does suck like any other job. But at the same time it is a job and they give e benefits and all that stuff, so I get something out of it. I had a whole other blog I was going to write here, but I may do that tonight or after my nap. Too tired to write out my ideas now.

I am writing this around 3 in the afternoon on my day off. I took the day off to go see Dad, which I did this morning with my mom and sister. Nothing too exciting happened, everything was fine up there. It still sucks anytime I go up there, but it's something that has to be done. The only thing that really sucked was that there usually a guy there selling stuff to put on the grave sites (flowers and stuff like that), but not when we got there. SO needless to say I felt like a tool showing up with nothing. Guess I have to go up there sometime before Christmas to put something on there.

I really hate the fact hat he died this time of year. It sucks because first off it just puts a damper on the holidays, and doesn't' help that I tend to get a bit down in the later months of the year, but also the fact hat my dad loved this time of year. He enjoyed getting the entire house set up for the holidays, and the week before christmas, he would take off to really make sure the house was ready. the house now doesn't' look nearly as good now when I set stuff up, not that I don't think it's good enough, but my dad had a way to make everything look right. I don't nearly go all out as my dad did, my mom doesn't want it either, so I just keep it simple

Other that that I am trying to keep myself busy today and not fall into the habit of thinking and driving myself nuts. I finally got around to making my lists of who gets gifts and who gets cards this year. Helps that I have a computer file with the addresses o who gets cards and their addresses. I find this stuff annoying, but if I am debating to do something like I did last year as far as my gifts to people. I got a week or so to really figure that out I also went to the bookstore to look around and ended up buying a bunch of books to read over time. Now I'm just writing this, and later I”ll probably go clean up my model truck I plan on selling. exciting stuff, huh?

I've noticed I've been doing a lot of writing lately. Not just this thing, but also emails to some people. Like last night I wrote two huge emails. One was to a friend to explain a couple things to her about why I do what I am doing, and that as much as I appreciate her opinion on certain things going on in my life, I know what I am doing, and her conclusions/thoughts are wrong. the other email was to someone I actually tried calling last night, but instead of leaving her a long ass message on her machine and clogging it up with my ramblings, I left a quick “hi” and then after hanging up, I chose to write my ramblings in the form of an email. It was more of a venting thing since I had a lot on my head after having a shitty week up until last night. So i've been doing a lot of writing and stuff.

Now the question is, do people get what the hell I am talking about, or just look at this blog as the ramblings of a madman....but I feel good after writing an entry so that's all I care about. I was thinking about having whoever read this post a couple questions they got about me and I'd answer them, but I'm not totally sure if I am, plus I am nervous on what you al would even ask me!! still if you want to post a couple and I'll see what I can do.

This week is the anniversary of my dad's passing, but this post isn't about him per se. I've been thinking a lot about the whole idea that I live “in his shadow” (something that is somewhat common for children to feel when they lose their parents-that you have to live up to their standards), but after doing a lot of thinking and talking with people I came to realize something: no matter how much I chase that “standard” my dad (and grandfather to tell you the truth-both were the “man” when it came to the family), I'm chasing a ghost. that's not to degrade my father and all he has done, but he is dead, not here to approve of me and what I have done. I am my own man, and I have to live my life as such. I can't sit here thinking “would he approve?” I have to live my life as best I can, and that is what parents want from their kids: to live their lives as best they want/can. As long as I remember that, no matter what I do, I will be “right” and that he would be cool with it. That's why I am going to do something sometime next year that is a big step to me, but may not be to most, but it is to me.

I'm going to get myself a tattoo. It's not a big deal to some, but it is to me since my dad hated them. but at the same time, I want one and what I plan on getting is something to honor him, my family, and make me remember all I know about my family. My dad found our family crest years ago in his genealogy research, and I”m thinking of getting a tattoo of that. I take pride in my family, though I may have busted his balls about the whole genealogy deal, but it was cool to learn about where my family is from and what they went through in the past. Reading about all that made me feel good that there is a past way back when, and I want to honor that with a symbol that will be with me forever. Sounds cheesy I know, but it's something special to me.

Details are still sketchy, but as I said I am not in a real rush to get it yet. I plan on getting it sometime next year.

Now for something completely different: Ever hear the phrase “I hope you get cancer!”? I”m sure there are some that yell it daily, and it was in a funny scene in the move “the king of comedy”. Well that's not that big of a threat these days with technology or medical advancements that the survival rate has gone up. I have been doing some reading about some other afflictions out there, mostly because some people have inspired me to look up some stuff, and there are some real fucked up shit out there. Obviously there's AIDS, which even now is somewhat treatable to a point where one can live a relative normal life. There's diseases like Parkensens, and some of those neurological diseases that aren't as treatable and you see one's life gradually get taken away from them, and at a extremely slow rate. I've seem this first hand and it's tough to see. Then there are some diseases that hit people with no rhyme or reason, and the people who get these things are more like victims than patients. it's amazing how wonderful the human body is, it's also amazing, but also frightening to see what can happen to it and how brutal nature can be when it wants to be. So I don't know after reading some of medical stuff out there if I should really wish anything on anyone, or if I ever did wish cancer on someone again, would that be me letting them off easy?

That's not to say I will wish other things on people who truly deserve it, most of the time anyway it's usually stuff in a “what goes around, comes around” way. So it's not going to be a “kinder, gentler” me, just one who is more calculating at when I tear a new asshole into others.

Last night I decided to do something a little different. Someone from the ESC organized a get together for dinner and also to go to the New Jersey Ironmen indoor soccer team's first home game. The Place we went for dinner was a Brazilian joint where they had the “al you can eat “ deals where the waiters comes with skewers of various meats and they cut off some for you. it was probably one of the most delicious, but unhealthy, meals I've had in a long time. With everything (drinks, tax, gratuities) it came to about $50 a head, which isn't that bad of a deal. I may have to hit that place again sometime, maybe with some friends.

After the six block walk from the restaurant to the arena, we get to the Prudential Center, the new arena in Newark. I know some of you are thinking; putting a shiny arena in Newark is just screaming crime wave, but it's not a bad setup, especially with all the cops patrolling the arena. Inside the arena is beautiful, and it's obvious the Devils are the primary tenant (the color theme, logos around the place, some of the themes of the arena shops), but that's cool, beats the hell out of that toilet they were playing in last year in the Meadowlands. The game itself was ok, I wasn't totally thrilled with it. Mostly I think because I'm not familiar with the rules of indoor soccer, but it wasn't totally bad either, just different. The team idid a good job presentation-wise, other than some minor glitches, and they even got Pele there for the opener (which in reality was probably most of their budget, given his rumored appearance fee).

Getting to and from the arena was pretty easy with the PATH train from Manhattan. I probably did the roundabout way going to the World trade Center to get the PATH, where I could have taken another line to 33rd street to get the PATH, but oh well. I think there is talk of another get together in January, and I'll probably go. At least the company was good, and in the end that was what I was looking forward to more. One interesting note: the PATH line stops at Harrison NJ, where the new soccer stadium is supposed to be. When the train pulled into the station, I saw the construction site and got both excited and angry. excited in seeing how easy it will be to get to the stadium form the train, but pissed that it's going to be a couple years until it opens!!