AAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!! Why do I even bother!!!! PSU fell apart yesterday to a team they should have beat, and the Mets took a sure thing, and in a little over 2 weeks threw it away and played their way out of the playoffs!!! I watched the Mets game today, and it was amazing to watch that decreped old man Glavine just meltdown on the field, and the worst part was that he wouldn't take responsibility when he was talking to the media. This was supposed to be THE team to win it all, and they threw it all away!!! 5 runs in the first, and absolutely NO emotion or passion in the game today. Pathetic!!!

At least the Giants look like they have gotten their act together. As I write this, they are up on the Eagles. The Red Bulls are still in the playoff hunt, and could possibly clinch a spot next game, but the thing is that they have to play DC or New England in the first round of the playoffs, and there's one small problem....Red Bulls have a problem with beating either team, and sometimes the team looks lost out on the field with they play either team.

I did find a way to calm myself down at night and make me relax. Doing my deep breathing exercises I learned from yoga has helped me calm down recently. I also started leaving my radio no at night on XM Chill ch 84, It's an interesting type of music, but it does help me calm down and not think, which leads me to worry, stress and not sleep.


sorry for the short post, just wanted to vent before I go to bed.

I got done with my first week of work. SO far so good. Sure I have to get used to the hours, but so far I am liking the shift I am still waiting for my bosses to put someone else in the afternoons, but the current arraignment is ok. I rather have someone else full-time in the afternoons so I can show them how I want the pantries set up for the mornings, and also it's good to have another set of hands around to give me a hand with setups and some of the duties that have to get done.

I work a block from the Today show, and today they had Bruce Springsteen performing. I hate, repeat HATE, Springsteen, almost as much as Bon Jovi. Springsteen has been following the shtick he's created for years, the “I'm a common man singing about the common people.” BULLSHIT!! First off, the past decade of his career has been capitalizing on tragedies and some controversies so he can make some cash off of some mediocre song he wrote. How can he say he lives among the people when he's living in exclusive gated communities? He's not a bad performer, but he's not as good as the hype makes him out to be, and he's the biggest example of “all sizzle, no steak.” Want an example of a performer who believes what he says and truly speaks for the people he represent? John Mellencamp. His career was writing songs about the midwest and the plight of the people there, something he grew up through and really experienced. Even today he works to raise money for the poor of the midwest, and the farmers that struggle. I guess you can say this about all the old-school folk and country artists that they write about their experiences in their lives and still work and raise money for those like them. These people use their fame and talent to help others, while frauds like Springsteen use theirs for heir own agenda and profit, but to put up the front of doing a charity show every so often.

Then again this is my opinion and people are entitled to enjoy Springsteen if it does give them joy. l find joy in things I don't see any in, and vice versa. Like I said, if you tae what I write here as fact, rather than what it really is, just my mind diarrhea, then you are one sad person.

One last thing. I have gotten my mind back to where I want it to be, and I have to take responsibility for what I have said or did to those who I upset or frustrated the past several months due to my mind not being right. I could just go “oh it was the meds”, just like a drunk can go “oh I was drunk” when he does wrong, but I'm not a pussy like that and won't use any excuse for a crutch. I am a man and I will take responsibility for what I did and say. I feel like fantastic now, and after getting a clean bill of health form the doctor about my blood and piss tests, I am so at ease now.

I am about a couple days into my new shift and I love it. I am up at 4am, out of the house by 5, and at work by 5:45 and done with work by 2 in the afternoon. I'm home by 3 and have the rest of the day to myself. It's a great feeling to have time during the day to get whatever I need to get done and not having to put it off for the weekend. It is still a little odd leaving at 2, but that should go away soon. I also look forward to be able to do things at night that I usually wouldn't be able to. This may all sound dumb, but I'm a simple guy and simple things make me happy.

I have a question for all of you: Have you told people in your life how much they appreciate them and value them in your life? A couple weeks ago, someone close to me had something happen in her life and she called me late that night. She called to tell me what happened, and she also told me how much she is happy to have me in her life after seeing what happened. It wasn't something that had to be needed, since I already knew what she said was true-she has never lied to me, but it was nice to actually hear that from her. The reason she said it was because she learned that night that people should let others how much they value them because you never know it could be the last time you do. So I have been getting in the habit to mention to people I care for and about what they mean to me and what they give/do for me is appreciated. Most of these people don't need to hear this, they already know this, but it does make me happy to see the smile on their faces when this is said to them. I told this person how much I appreciate her and how happy that I am that she is back in my life. I didn't' actually tell her, it was in an email since she has been busy and not able to talk on the phone, but I bet I put a small smile on her face, and I look forward to tell her this in person hopefully soon.

So I ask those who read this, tell those close to you and those who you care about how much they mean in your life, and how much appreciation you have for them and what they do.

yeah, this isn't the “angry Pete” some like to read, but you know what? I haven't been really “angry” lately and I am trying to change my ways to help keep my blood pressure as low as I can, because I am not sure how much time I really have on this planet (we all don't know, it can all end tomorrow for all we know), why waste the time we all have on anger, bitterness and hatred?

There's a reason why I haven't written in a while. I haven't been feeling right. I felt for the past week that something was “broken” with me. I was easily confused, I couldn't finish my thoughts when I spoke with people, and I just didn't feel right at all. So I decided to go to the doctor, I chose to go to a new doctor in Manhattan, since it's close to my job and also I had no desire to go back to my old doctor. I didn't' want to go that savage I was going to since she acted like she didn't really care, but then again where she is from there's so many people in her country, the value of human life means almost nothing-one less, but a billion more so the one loss won't be missed. Also she had a thing to try to get me to go see the other “specialists” in her office, and most of them had hours like “in on the first and third Wednesdays after the third lunar phase”. I didn't want to deal with that bullshit and felt it's better to go into manhattan and get a real doctor.

I go for my first physical with the doctor, and I talked about all the problems I was having. With out batting an eye, I got a new prescription for my blood pressure, and already I am feeling better, I was on this stuff called Hyzaar, and it made me feel all of what I said before, and it also made me dry-mouth all the time, and I was drinking a ton of water. The new stuff is making me feel better as far as the mental stuff and dry-mouth, just still have to get used to it. I was told by the doctor that I may feel a little tired and lethargic the first week or so, but when my body adjusts to the new medication I should be fine. I did feel a little tired today and did end up taking a nap today. I didn't' go to the soccer game tonight because i didn't want to risk getting groggy on the road. For those curious, my last blood pressure measurement was 138/92-high, but nothing that would send me to the hospital.

So after all this I have been doing a lot of thinking. I ned to adjust myself to try to get my blood pressure lower. I already am getting back into doing the yoga thing (or at least trying yoga-I must look like a complete ass trying it), and I am trying to watch how much I eat and drink. What I really need to do is stop thinking so much and worrying about some inane bullshit. I also need to really stop trying to think I can control things I can't, and also accept the fact that it's ok to be a little selfish and that I am allowed to fail and not know everything. I've always had this mindset that i had to be everything to everyone like my dad was with a lot of people. I talked to my mom about all this and she really tried to point out that as much as my dad did so many things for people, he also said no to a lot of others. She also said that she wasn't cool with how I feel like I have everything on my back as far as the house goes, and she said “look, there's three adults here, we all have to, and have done, shared the responsibilities as far as this house, and everything is going well and everything is fine with the house so stop worrying.” This whole “Stop worrying about everything” thing is going to be tough for me to do, it's like a bad habit. I need those I talk to and know me to try to remind me that I shouldn't worry about stupid shit if I am acting like I”m stressing over something stupid.

As far as the other part of my stressing usually, where I feel like I need to know everything and be able to do everything I am asked to do, is something I am slowly trying to get myself out of. I always want to help others, whether I know what to do or not. I always feel like people are always counting on me to be “right” or able to get everything I am asked to do done. That's what is one of the reasons I flew off the handle when I am trying to do something and it's not going my way, I felt like I would let someone down or my value to people would lessen. In the end, I am starting to realize it's ok to be average, and if I do all I can and if I don't solve a problem or something, it's OK. I also realize now that the last few people who said they were perfect in this world, died early in their lives. Like I said, I need some people to help me remember all this, and I am fortunate to have some in my life that will help me remember this.

OK that's enough of my writing.

Hello all. I went to a party last Sat night, and I learned a few things. First it's a bad sign that the joint you are in has a an air conditioner cranked up and a fan in front of it, and it's still hotter than outside in the summer time. The party wasn't too bad, but I stayed outside the place hanging to with others who couldn't take the heat ad noise in there. I did help try to make a Gay man look more...manly in his mannerisms (didn't really work, but it was at least a shot). No I am not trying to convert gays or anything, just trying to be nice to them since apparently one gay man in his wild actions has led to some good things in my life. So I feel I should be at least nice to them for a while. Besides the one I was trying to help is a good guy, and a hell of a cook.

I didn't drink at this party since the drinks in the place weren't that cold, and I really didn't enjoy drinking not so cold beer. I did gain a lot of respect for those who quit drinking and try to stay on the wagon. It must be hard with the temptation, but also I see that they must try to be more social and outgoing rather than relying on drinks to loosen them and others up. I am not a real drinker anymore, college really turned me off of the whole binge drinking. I still drink, but not really to get drunk. Seeing how things were last night, I was thinking of next time I go out to not drink at all and see how that works. Maybe it will help me open up more and make me to be more social. then again my next time out looks like it will be for my cousin's birthday and I may delay this experiment. Maybe I won't drink much that night and stay in a somewhat sober state, I will see.

I'm just thinking about today, and that I was stuck in Pa. that day for several days due to the city being shut down. I remember the morning of September 11 driving and getting to my parent's house and turning on the TV just at the time when the second tower coming down. I remember going to Wal-mart to get food since I knew I was stuck at the house for a few days., and the store was empty other than the electronics department, where everyone was watching the news on the events unfolding. What I really remember was worrying about my family I knew was working in the area. My dad drove his bus down in that area, and thank god some rookie held him up or he was going to be really close to the events. I finally got a call from him later in the afternoon when he told me he was shuttling people to the ferries and bridges. I also remember my cousin worked a couple blocks form the towers, and I later found out he walked from his job to his house in northern Queens (a long walk, believe me). Later on I found out some other cousins were supposed to be in the towers or in the area and but some fluke events they either just got away from the area in time or didn't make it at all. Sorry, this just was on my mind and wanted to get it out.

I'll end this on a brighter note: it's nice to see MTV chose to open their awards show for something they don't have anymore with a glorified day stripper. That alone should have been a sign that the show was going to be a complete clusterfuck. See those who have been wondering why all of a sudden I'm “nice Pete”, there's still a little “angry Pete” here, sometimes I don't have anything to be angry about.

Hello all, just throwing up something here since I haven't in a couple days. First, I got news that in a couple weeks, my work schedule is changing. I'm going from my 11am-7pm shift to the 6am-2pm shift. It came up as the morning guy is leaving to move out west and I was offered the gig. I'm actually glad to do this. The shift feeds into my impatience, and I like that on that shift all the “heavy-lifting” is done right at the start, and I like to get things done right away. I can't wait to actually be able to get things done during the day after work, rather than waiting to the weekend to get everything done. The move doesn't pay different or anything, just a time change. Sure it sucks that I have to go to bed early and get up really early, but if needed I can come home after work and get a quick nap in.

Another big thing that has happened is that I got a new Ipod. I got a 30 gig video one. Sure I could have waited for the new ones, but I really don't need the extra bells and whistles. “Pete, I thought you already had a player that's part of you XM receiver” some of you may be saying. Well, I use both now. The Ipod is for to and from work, and I use one or the other at work depending on where I am in the building and hat I am doing. I still get to listen to my O&A and Ron and Fez, and I get to listen to my music. I also flip through the Xm channels and note any some I like, then come home and get it from Itunes. Why get the Ipod if my Xm receiver can play MP3s? Well, the Inno doesn't play the AAC files from Itunes/apple use with their music, and it only holds 500 megs of music.

Side note: To my cousin who reads this-the payment went through so we are good for another year......ass.....

I also like the idea of having all my music on me. I haven't gone into the whole video part, but I am tempted to put some nasty porn clips on it and go up to random people and go “hey check this out” and play the clip to see their reaction. Outside of the music I put on my Ipod, I have a bunch of podcasts called “Coffee Break Spanish.” Its 15-minute lessons on some basic Spanish (they go through a few words/scenarios in each so that one can slowly build their vocabulary).

Riveting stuff eh? Hey, I didn't put a gun to your head to read this!!!

College football season started this weekend, and so far so damn good!! First off, Penn State won their first game against some jobbers from Fla. The better part of the day is BOTH Michigan and Notre Dame lost!!! Notre Dame lost to Ga. Tech, which is a touch school from the ACC, but Michigan, the ranked #5 team in the nation, proved that the rating was overrated by losing to a 1-AA team (really small school). It was the first time a 1-AA school beat a nationally ranked team EVER!!! I was so happy hearing that result, since Michigan is one of the teams PSU have to deal with in the Big Ten. Next week, PSU plays ND at Happy Valley. I can't say it's a lock that PSU will win, but seeing how ND played and the fact that the game is at Penn State, PSU has little excuse to lose the game. Giants start next week, but I am not sure if they will really do that great this year. Still in the NFL, it seems the average tam could look like titans if the breaks come their way.

Now onto something I really wanted to write about. What is exactly considered normal, and why do people really strive for it? I know my life hasn't been what society considers normal. Sure I had both parents and a sister, but my parents had me when they were in their late 30s. My dad was 39 when I was born, and it was sorta odd hearing some other kids I knew as a kid that their parents were at least 10-15 years younger than mine. It's not that big of a deal to me, my parents loved and supported me as well as any other parents love and support their kids, just sometimes I wish my dad was a little younger so he might be alive to see what I have accomplished. Then again it did take his death to be a catalyst for me to grow and become the man that I am now. Fucked up for sure, but sometimes it does take a tragedy for one to truly see who they are.

My childhood wasn't normal by any means. Sure I had people around me who cared for me, but it was tough being someone who for the first 11 years of his life who couldn't see more than 5 feet in front of him without super-thick glasses. Still I dealt with it and found people who accepted me as who I am. One thing that when I was a kid that I hated was when people would, though with the best intentions, do things to make it obvious that I wasn't normal. Like when my teacher would spend extra time with me to make sure I got whatever thing the class was doing, even though I was sure I could do it on my own. This is one thing that has stayed with me for some reason. If someone tells me that I can't do something or I'm wrong about something. I usually prove them wrong, and I have a bad habit of being extremely obnoxious and act like an asshole to these people. Is it right or wrong? I don't know really, but I feel justified in doing it if someone doesn't believe me or gives me the chance to prove myself. Now I am trying not to do this anymore, but sometimes habits are hard to break.

As it kid, I always wanted to be treated like a normal kid, I really hated the attention I was getting. Over time as I grew up, I learned that being abnormal is sometimes the best thing. I also started to try to shy away form “normal” people, because they don't have anything special to off me as far as intellectual stimulation. I also learned over my life that those who weren't normal and has some unique quirk, they are always the ones who make impacts in others lives. Look at whoever in history was considered great, and if you look at their lives or their past, you see that they aren't what one would consider normal.

Usually they also make for some interesting friends, giving you a unique perspective on things you wouldn't see. I have also found that abnormal people and situations also helps one learns about themselves and what they can improve in their lives. I have found myself in some unique conditions, and through these situations, I have learned more about myself and what I am capable of and I think that is part of what has made me who I am. If you look at the people that I surround myself with, they ail have their quirks that make each of them unique and “outside the box”. So I ask you all, why would someone want to be normal?