I wrote this in the afternoon when I had a break, by the time you probably read this I am alseep because i have to go into work for my 5th straight double shift this week. Sorta sucks but at the same time it's a lot of OT, and that ain't bad.

Fist off I wanted to share some songs I seem to listen to a lot on my Itunes:
“This Life” by Sevendust-I almost cry every time I hear this song, it's got to be the most beautiful song I've ever heard.
“Beg To Differ” by Sevendust-another awesome song
“Hold On” by Korn-just a good song off their new album
“I just don't know what to do with myself” The White Stripes-an awesome cover of a Burt Bacarach song
“Little Acorns” by The White Stripes-just like the song
“Breed” by Nirvana-one of my favorite all time songs

My birthday was this week, and I had a nice dinner with some family. It was a good time. Thank you all who sent their well-wishes. Got a few cards and some giftcards. I did a lot of thinking about the past year of my life and I came to realize I'm one lucky bastard to have what I got at this time. Sure most of it I worked my ass off for, but still there had to be quite a bit of luck to have everything fall into place. My job for example went form a temp position to a permanent one over the year. Most would say I earned it with all the work I did, but I also believe I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. Now I'm in a somewhat stable gig, pretty good money, and some good benefits. How many people in this world can say that?

I also feel lucky to have the right people around my as far as friends and family. They support me in a lot of the things I do, and if they have a problem with what I am doing, they at least respect my choices. I do a lot for them and they do a lot for me, but we aren't asking a lot from each other. I am especially lucky and fortunate to have someone back in my life that I was convinced would never be a part of my life again. Right now we are taking steps to see where this could all lead to, and although they do feel like huge steps (hell, us talking again is one hell of a step), they are nothing more than baby steps in the larger picture of the dark unknown that is the future. I have no clue where it is going to lead to, but right now I'm taking it all in stride, and I am excited and interested in seeing where it goes.

Side note: As far as those who know about the the whole thing goes, you may all have your opinions about me and her trying this all over, and you are all entitled to them both good or bad, Just know that the only opinions that matter in this whole thing as far as I am concerned are mine and hers. I can care less who thinks what, just respect that it's out choice to try this thing again.

OK I”m done writing tonight. I am just happy and grateful to have all that I for in my life. I don't know if I really deserve all this, but I stopped questioning things. Things happen for a reason, and one has to just go for the ride and make sure they make the right decisions and choices when they come up. I am truly a lucky man. Thank you all who help make it possible

So after my blog last time....How do I top that?!?!?! Simple I don't. I'm just going to go back to the random bullshit I did before..so there

Saturday I am going on a little trip to Foxboro for the Red Bulls game. I'm going with the ESC on a bus, so it's going to be a lot of fun, and I'll probably not remember most of it. I always enjoyed going to Foxboro. It's a much less stressful trip (no real threat of getting jumped or into altercations up there), The stadium is fantastic to watch a soccer game in, and it's just a prettier drive to New England rather than the DC area. I'm looking forward to the trip. I”m glad it's on a Saturday since I then have Sunday to recover. There's no way I can do one of these trips on a Sunday and be up for work Monday.

Speaking of work. Next week's going to be a good week money-wise for me, since my co-workers not going to be in part of the week and I have to pick up some of the slack. Only thing is that Monday and Wednesday I am working 13 hours those days. Wednesday is also my Birthday, but I don't' mind working on my birthday. I didn't have anything planned to do that day anyway, so why not make a couple bucks. I still haven't asked for anything for my Birthday, and some have asked me what I want, but I really don't want anything. I do have to still figure out what to get my sister for her birthday (her's is on the 31st...we are 2 years, two days, and two minutes apart).

One more thing. Did you know that Al Sharpton and the N-word have some things in common? Before the obvious joke is made hear me out.
-Both were creations of the White man,
-Both are used as crutches by the black community and the White community can't stand hearing about either one at this point,
-Both are only empowered due to the media
-Both have gotten people fired over nothing
-Both hold the black community back from any progress they wish to achieve

I'm sure there are other similarities, but these are the ones I can think of at this time...

My my there has been quite a bit of talk on my lil ol blog lately. Lots of people taking sides on something that is probably the most emotionally-draining things in my life. To “D” (ain't using full names here), you are a good friend, I gotta give you props for sticking up for her, she deserves to be stuck up for. I ain't mad at ya, but at the same time I wish you could hear my side of the story. Sure, I bet she wishes my cousin heard her side as well, but that's my cousin being him. This blog is going to be weird for me. It's coming after looking at her myspace page and reading her blogs. I haven't seen her page in a while, and it was a complete shock what I read, and I felt like I had to write something here after the extreme emotional jolt I felt. I”m going to be really opening up in a way most haven't seen. I'm leaving myself open to a lot of shit here, but for those who try to take advantage of it: fuck you and don't even start, I'm not in the mood for that shit. This person this blog is all revolving around brings out every single emotion in me. I have to get this out of me before it stays on my chest like it is like a 50 pound weight.

I won't be giving names out of respect. She was someone I was seeing last year, and she made me feel things I never felt before. She and I had an uncanny amount of things in common, and our conversations would last for hours. I always made her laugh and smile, as she did me. We didn't really hang out in person (location, schedules made things hard but we both tried to make time for each other) but whenever we talked or did anything together. It felt like to me we were the only ones around and we really connected. Not in just the “best buddies” way, but in a way when you looked at each other, you stared for several seconds, just because. I could sit with her in complete silence and just say nothing for hours. Every time I looked into her eyes, I felt a warmth and invitation that said “hey big guy, you are wanted here...don't ever leave”. Most of the time we talked on the phone or over MSN on headsets/mics. I would wait up all hours of the night even if it was to talk to her for five minutes, any time I heard that voice of hers, it made whatever shit I went through that say seem so unimportant. The best way I can describe how I exactly felt about her is that it was like a warmth from having blanket around me. With this feeling brought out a confidence I never had since the passing of my father. Many people noticed my attitude changed and said I looked good and acted with such a swagger they haven't seen or never saw from me. I was also still over-analyzing things when it came to me and her, until one night she said something that I have kept in my heart and still follow: if it feels good and right, follow through with it. And this thing we had always felt good and right, and I let myself go and let things progress the way they did.

When I met her, it was a few months after my dad died. I was still going through a little bit of the grieving, but I was ready to move on. I remember she and I would talk about it on occasion, and when I would really get down about it, somehow she found a way to bring me back to a smile. I remember when she told me of the situation with her father (I wont' go into too much detail about it, just it was one of the worst situations no one is ever ready for when dropped on them), I would do all in my power to make her feel better. I wanted so bad to make sure she was ok. I remember the message I sent her after she said what was going on with her dad, saying that I was there for her and probably for the first time letting myself really open up to her about how I felt about her. The next morning I got a phone call from her. I picked up and all she could say was “thank you”, but in the way like she just had a huge emotional relief. I can't tell you how happy it made me feel to hear her say that. Later that night she told me how she felt reading what I wrote to her. I was on such an emotional high it was amazing. What cemented all these feelings for me was a time she said something about how she enjoys all the messages and talks we have, and I said something like “well it's good you put in the effort in as well”, and that led to her, not in anger, to go off on me saying that to her, “effort” equals work and this was anything but. At this point, it hit me like “whoa, this is something that's not just a stupid friendship or anything like that, but something real. Something with someone that has a lot of potential for a long-term thing.”

Well a few weeks after she said what was going on with her dad, she was having a hard time dealing with it (most people would). I'll say this, I lost my dad out of the blue, and she was in a situation like watching a car driving off a cliff, knowing it's going to happen, and can't do anything to prevent it, but the grieving process is almost the same, just when one does it is different. I remember a few talks trying to help her cope, and the emotional roller-coaster she was on was really extreme. I didn't let it phase me too much, being through the process myself I know what was happening. The last time (the last one I was involved with), was a week after she went to see her father out west for the first time after she got this news. Before that we were talking about how we are going to see a lot more of each other, make time to go places together, and just make this thing really work. When she got back, out of the blue she asked if we could just be friends and that's it. I was stunned and at first was taking it like another mood-swing (in that she is going through this shit and logical thinking was out the door). I tried to talk her through it, sensing she didn't really want it. But part of me also knew that she was the type to make a choice and no matter what she was going to stick with it. I honestly couldn't just be a friend, I wanted much, MUCH more due to the deep connection I felt with her. I had to compromise a lot that I normally wouldn't to make this work, but I did it because I felt it was the best for the both of us, not to just make her happy, but both of us happy. Sadly I chose that I couldn't be just a friend to her and stopped talking to her. I partly feel horrible for doing it, but at the same time I felt like if I were to stay around hoping she would change her mind, there was a good chance she wouldn't and I just couldn't see how I could handle that (“selfish prick” I bet some are thinking, but I DO have to think of myself as well in severe emotional situations too)

Now, I won't go through the recent shit, I'm going to take this part to tell you where all the “bitterness”, and “anger” came from, since something tells me the subject of this blog could be reading this and she deserves to further understand this. Much of what I said I take responsibility for it, but I do not apologize for it. I may have taken it too far as it should have, but most of what I felt was real and honest. What I say here isn't to make people feel guilty for me or whatever you would feel. It's just to put everything out there so those involved/interested understand things

So, after we went our ways, everything good went bad. I lost all the confidence I had. My mind, heart, and gut told me this all was right, and in one fell swoop it was all wrong. It made me to a point where I couldn't make a choice for myself. I”m not joking or saying it in hyperbole. My cousin who comments on this thing can vouch for times not long after me and her splitting where I would have a damn-near meltdown over making a choice of what to have at a restaurant or off a take-out menu. It would take me an hour to choose what shirt to wear for work. Everything I had to choose I did with great doubt and fear; it felt like a good idea, but I had something that felt so right go wrong, so how can I trust this simple thing be right? This went on for a long time, and at one point I was so frustrated with how I was feeling I put all of it on her and how SHE did this to me. This is where a lot of the mean things I said just out of blind anger to her and what happened. But at the same time, I felt like I still wanted her back and I would give anything to have her back. Eventually I started to try to move on, but her memory was always there, almost haunting me. I found myself comparing other women I dated to her. She as the bar women had to match, and none did. This again lead to some more anger to her for leaving such a mark that I couldn't find someone else. But again, it just led to me thinking she may be the only one for me and I wanted her again. Since we split, this is the cycle I have been though.

I couldn't watch Jets games comfortably (she's a Jets fan), all the memories/emotions come rushing up. Christ, going to soccer games at Giants Stadium was a dicey situation at one point! Same when Korn is played, particularly songs from the album “See You on the Other Side”. It was a intense moment while watching their unplugged episode; Imagine a 5'11” 235lbs. blubbering mess damn near falling off his chair to sob if he didn't turn the show off in time. It still affects me now to a point, and some of you are probably saying to yourself “good, you fucking deserve to feel that asshole”. Well fuck you and I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemies.

I'm sure her reasons for what she did are valid. She did tell me that she didn't want to have me around because she was afraid I would not be able to handle her in her sad state. I can see that, but at the same time I told her numerous times that I would be right by her side. I was primed and ready to help: I carried my family emotionally through the months after my dad's passing. I also knew how to handle a situation like what she was in: I for the most part kept one entire faction of my family from coming apart. I was the one who gave emotional support and also drove my Aunt and cousin to and from a hospital everyday for months to see my dying uncle. I stopped looking for work at the time to step up and do this. On top of this, I had to help keep everyone in one piece whenever the shit hit the fan. Again, my cousin can tell you this if he chooses, he had to see me take control of things I had no right to but someone had to in order to keep things going. This time period is when I refer to when someone asks me when did I grow up...I had to do shit and to man up in ways I didn't know was possible.

I wish she could give me another chance. I grew and changed since things happened. I emailed her a few months ago to try to tell her that no matter what, she is always on my mind, and I still wish for the chance to explore where we could lead to. When I was emailing her a few months ago, all these emotions came up again and it paralyzed me. Thank God for my cousin, his wife, and L, even now they help me out and through all these emotions. Thank you you guys. You are good friends for sticking up for me and supporting me.

Which led me to tonight....reading her myspace page. Don't even ask why I was, she was on my mind and something led me to seeing it. I had a pain in my chest from all the feelings coming up. My hands and feet went numb. I had to turn off my web browser it was so intense. It hurt me so much reading what she had on her page and what she was going through. I kept saying to myself “I should be there, I want to be there to hold her and tell her it's ok.” I don't know why, but I feel as if on one hand God or some higher power is telling me that she is the one for me, but on the other hand, it's teasing me, giving me just enough to keep me wanting her, but never letting it happen by circumstances. That's one of the reasons I am writing now, maybe writing will help me not feel these intense emotions. I don't know, All I know is that I wish that I had the chance to show her the man that is me, and prove to her that all I've told her and how I feel about her is true. I wrote to her last night and told her to call me, but I want to say right now that I miss the hell out of her, and I wish I had a way to see her face, look into her eyes and tell her all that I feel for her and ask that she put all the doubts and worries aside and give me the chance to prove myself.

Again to all the haters out there, this is not the time or place to start talking shit, leave that for another time. I am not in the mood right now to deal with cunty, bitchy attitudes about myself. I am opened up wide here, and wounded, don't fuck with me.

Ok enough of my ramblings...I”m drained as hell

This is a tad early, but this entry is about what happened not long after I posted last night I was about to go to bed, when someone Imed me. The person who Imed me was someone I was going out with a couple months ago, and in the end she lied to me and didn't' value me as much as I thought she did. She was also the “last straw” and led to me re-evaluating myself. So here's how it went:
Her: Hello
Me: What do you want
Me: You there?
Me (after a couple minutes of nothing): Well if you ain't talking now, c-ya
Her: Sorry I went to the bathroom
Me: why are you Iming me
her: What, I can't say hello?
Me: No you can't you lost the right to after what you did
Me: I want nothing to do with you
Her: Wow...ok
(She logs off)

I still don't get it. Why would I want to be friends with someone who wouldn't give me all that I want, and expect me to just compromise what I feel just to make her happy. This reminds me of what happened earlier this year. This one chick, who I was in love with and she made me feel things I have never felt before, emails me after almost a year of no contact about what I said/wrote about her. She read my shit and got upset, and she said some bullshit that she also saw a bitterness in me that she put there, and she is the only one who can get rid of it. So after a couple long emails of how she misses and cares about me, how what she did was a mistake, and how she wishes I was still in her life, I said simply let's start over. Not from where we left off, but from the start and rebuild what we had. And for the second time, she couldn't handle the idea and got scared of the idea that it could not work more than looking forward to what could work, also stating she wouldn't be able to give me all of her effort and her heart wouldn't be into it. So she again wanted me to be just friends with her, and again I had to say no, adding I never want to hear from her again since I hate the bullshit this all brings up. To this day, i will say she has kept her word and I haven't heard form her.

I'll be completely honest, I still miss her and all that from time to time, she made me feel good about myself and at the time we met and were together, I needed that. But at the same time I”m not going to sit here pining for her, what the fuck could I do? I am not going to beg for her back, seeing I know where I am not wanted. So I just have to deal with this and keep moving on. Occasionally her memories come up, but then again who hasn't have had something like this happen with an ex? But as well as the memories are, the other bad shit comes up and reminds me that what I decided was the right decision, both times. Do I know how she feels? I don't know or really care, considering she lied to me twice. I think she did and still do have strong feelings for me, but she had a self-sabotaging attitude that seemed to always try to make this all fall apart from the start. But oh well, she's the past and I am not going to compromise me to make other happy. I need to be satisfied and happy first, or at the same level she is happy.

I got the most annoying question asked to me by my mom today: “What do you want for your birthday?” I hate that question because I don't' want or need anything for my birthday. I mean there are things I would like, but those things are things other people really can't get for me and i have to do myself, or I wont' ask for them because it bothers me that people spend money on me (I'm like this during Christmas time as well). Since I am talking about my Birthday (8/29), I am in a bit of a dilemma This year it falls right in the middle of the week, so with the weekend before or after are the only times I could really party if I am doing that. For those who have ideas in their heads, know that the 25th is out of the question, since I am going to Forboro, Mass. That day to see a soccer game. Even the 24th is iffy since the 25th I have to be in midtown to get the bus I'm going on at 1pm. The weekend after my birthday is Labor Day weekend, and I may be going to DC to see some family on that Sunday, but that's still up in the air. Hopefully this week I can figure that all out.

There is something funny about insecure people. The ones I am talking about are the ones who do a hell of a lot to put up a mask, via their attitude or physical apperence. They want to cover-up how much they are scared and so unsure of themselves. These are the people who work out for pure vanity purposes, and are not afraid to brag about how much they work out. If you work out as well and tell these people that, they will make sure that you know that they are working out harder than you like it's a damn competition. Another example is these people make sure they look impeccable, well-kept at all times. Then they will tell you over and over how much they spent of their wardrobe and stupid shit like that.

First off if you are one of these people, you sound like a douche, and it's not hiding how insecure you are. Second, pray someone doesn't call you out on all your talk, because most of the time you will be proven to be a jackass and whatever self-esteem you had goes away. Vanity means nothing, and the more emphasis is put on it, the more it becomes clearer how much of a bullshit artist you are trying to be. If you can't be happy with who you are, that's truly pathetic. One is who they are for a reason, and if you aren't happy with yourself, why bother living? If your life revolves around pleasing others before yourself and what you believe in, get out of my life and go bother someone else. Actually, I want some of you to still be around: I need someone to laugh at when you're crying like a little bitch because you got called out and you fucked up and proved you are nothing. It is quite comical watching them crumble in front of you when you stand firm and tell then to stop talking all the talk and start to do the walk. The sheer satisfaction I get now when I find them out is amazing. I've had a lot of experience with people like this, and all of them are out of my life, and if they think I'm an asshole for just dropping them like a bad habit, that's their problem.

One thing that has popped up: people recently mention to me I've seem to become some sort of a jerk or an asshole. Funny, I don't' think I changed, I've been how I am now the same way I've been all my life. Maybe because I have been able to focus on myself more and shore up how I am has brought myself out more. But if those who haven't seen how I am now when they first met me, I guess you haven't been paying attention.

Another thing that has came up (may be in relation to my first part of this paragraph), is I seem like I don't care about a lot of things. It's not that I don't care, it's just I take things as they are, and I am waiting until things turn out how they are supposed to to see if it's worth my time to put more effort into the thing. I do tend to let things just “go” and let things work themselves out without being proactive. This is one of my reasons I could be single-where I see a pretty chick, but not say hi or do anything and just let it go. But at the same time, I am tired of trying anything and worrying about everything. It's tiring and stressful to live that way. So if I seem a little bit cold or not caring, I'm just staying back a bit to see how things in the big picture look, and if it's worth my time to pursue.

SO far I am in the middle of my vacation and things are going well. Getting the rest I need, and getting the things I needed done around the house. Most importantly I am feeling a hell of a lot more peaceful and focused. This week I hope to get all I needed done and just take it easy. I was thinking of going to the soccer game at Giants stadium, but I don't need o deal with that. I sold my ticket to someone and hopefully they get it in time (I sent it priority mail this morning, so we'll see).

I picked up Jim Norton's book, “Happy endings”, and so far it's a fun little read. It has made me feel better seeing that someone's inane bullshit is fun to read. I am guessing that mine is to some, but I don't' know and in reality I don't care. I just write here to vent, not to entertain people-that is an after affect. Makes me think that some of the shit I write here would work in a book or podcast or whatever...that would work if I was more famous and actually had something to talk about.

As far as my stupid podcast idea, I am still in the early stages of that. I have a program to do it, but I am not sure if I need more hardware to do it like an audio mixer. I am not paying for more hardware to do it, since it' snot something serious and if i get bored with it I don't want to feel like I am wasting money. I did find out I may be able to do it with two people via AIM, assuming they have a mic to talk into and a computer that can be used for audio conferencing. I need to test that out with someone some day.

There was something I noticed lately when it comes to people from Long Island, New Jersey, or wherever in the surrounding area of NYC. I noticed that a lot of them aren't as dismissive of people they don't like. They seem to try to co-exist and be somewhat friends with them rather than stop talking to them all together (assuming one didn't really hurt the other). I just find that interesting since I am one who is not and almost never friends with ex-girlfriends or people I don't find anything interesting about them. I guess the people from the suburbs almost have to because they all live in the same community and have to see each other all the time, so they have to figure out how to be civil with each other. In the City, it's easy to “lose” someone and not talk to them anymore since the size of the population and city makes it almost easy to do.

I'm not saying it's a bad or good thing, just find it interesting. I can't see the idea of staying friends with someone who doesn't give me all that I want, or if they were dishonest with me. I see going from dating and possibly having some feelings with someone to just friends is like going 100mph, hitting an emergency brake and slowing down to 50 mph-it's not the same, feels awkward, and cold potentially damage all those in the car. Maybe that makes me a bad person, maybe that makes me bad for relationships. I don't know if that is true. I do know that what I feel and how I go about myself feels right, and that makes me feel justified in how I act and what I say.

Just wanted to throw something up here since people seem to be thinking I am something I am not. People seem to be asking me or thinking I am angry for some reason. I'm actually not angry. Rather I feel at peace with myself. I haven't felt this calm and cool in a long time. It helps I know now where I stand and what I want in my life now. If it came out as angry, that's your interpretation and problem. I”m just here doing my thing and whoever likes it cool, if not then I am not going to cater to people and accept them for what they are if they don't have the common courtesy to respect and accept me for who I am.

Looking at myself in the mirror by in my room. I look good after shaving the top part of my goatee off and leaving the bottom. I may keep it like this. Not going to post a pic of me, sorry. I'm sure some of you who still read this even though I don't read or pay attention to your crap since you're the past, and I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire in front of me would love to see me now. But you got your memories of me, and that's all you will ever have, so stop with immature bullshit (which that immaturity was a turnoff, on top of the blatant lies you told/texted me daily), and go away.

Couple more weeks until my birthday. Fuck if I know what I am doing. That will be figured out in time, since I think it's going to be a combo of a bunch of people's birthdays (all of them are within 4 days of each other). Don't even ask me what I want, since I don't have a clue or a need for anything (well, I have needs, but none people can provide for).

Just was thinking about with the dawn of the power locks, the test I said the other day may be a tad dated (but still damn effective when used). I have been doing a lot of observing since I'm on the “bench” when it comes to dating right now and I came up with another test for the guy to employ on a chick.

Let's say you take her to a movie, concert, sporting event, or anywhere you have to sit with her. I'll go with movie right now since that's the most common scenario. When you get your ticket, go directly to the theater to get your seat and settle in. If she says she wants something from the concession stand before you get to your seat-bad sign, shows she's only thinking more of herself and her hunger rather than the date and you. Now, if she doesn't say that and you two get a seat in the theater first, wait 3-5 minutes before asking if she wants something from the stand. If in that time frame she says she wants to go to the stand and get something, again bad and she's thinking of herself. If you have to ask her to get something for you (as in she didn't ask you if you want anything), worse move. Shows she really is a “me first” person and won't show you the respect you deserve and only worry about her. When the wrong thing happens, the guy should just say to himself “she's losing points and another chance to be treated to another phone call, let alone another date.” Now if she says she is going to the bathroom and comes back with food, get up and just leave her there. Let her figure out a way home herself. That is the worst thing a woman can do to show how selfish she is. In this day and age of cell phones, she couldn't call you from line to ask you what you want?

Why am I so about seeing how selfish she is, and why is there so much put on little things like what I described? Simple, little things show big things about someone. Also, if she is like this on a simple date, it will get worse when bigger things come up, and why put yourself through that bullshit? Oh, you say sh may be nervous about the date? Well I am never nervous on a date because I know what I say and do is the real me, and I always have been told if you aren't hiding/lying about anything, why would you be nervous when it comes to showing that you are telling the truth? If there's stress/drama in anything, it's not going to work or be fun. Besides, like I said in another entry, if we men are going to still be held to a high standard, so should the chick.

Ok for all the ladies that still read this, particularly the ones who used to go out with me and didn't back up all their talk. Thank you. It were you gals who molded me into the man I am now, and showed me the light. If it wasn't for the bullshit you put me through, i wouldn't have gotten to the point where I feel great about myself and at peace. Sure, I am guessing you still pine for me and wish you had another chance (why else would you still be reading this-I sure as hell can care less about you now since you didn't give me what I wanted), but that ship has sailed and you have to live with the regret of letting a man go away from you, and you'll have to settle with whatever boy you can find.

Now for a total subject switch but something on my mind lately: Emo music. Bands like AFI, New Found Glory, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, and Taking Back Sunday are considered Emo bands. First let's call it for what it really is-homo music. This is the bullshit they are trying to pass as the new “alternative”. These whiny, makeup wearing, failed abortions sing about the most trite shit. Like their mommy or daddy didn't get them the BMW they wanted and now they are depressed, or that the other rich chick wouldn't give them the time of day, and now their world is collapsing. This is the result of the Clinton years of prosperity, where these brats didn't have to worry about their parent's being out of work and didn't have to worry about being thrown out of the house because they couldn't afford to live there. I blame the parents not smacking these kids around or trying to toughen them up. All the parents did was coddle them into the soft, pansies that they became.

How dare people compare them to bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, and Alice in Chains. When the bands of the '90s sung about depression and suicide, they really meant it and felt it since they lived through the '80s, when the economy sucked, and just a real dark period in the history of the country when it came to family life and stability. I guess it's just a case of music reflecting the times, just sucks that the times we live in is where pussies rule and real talk, attitude, and just real life has to be nice and all-inclusive. Maybe the world will get back to the point where everyone was treated by others equally and if you had a problem with someone you could freely tell them what you think about it without fear. Maybe the world will get back to a point where whatever is said or done is looked at by the context of how it is said rather than just the words. One can only dream

Today was a real eye-opener. Something happened today that really gave a shock to my system. It's something that has happened in the past a few times, but when it does it really just shocks me. I'mnot going into what actually happened, since it's really none of your business. What happened today is something that really made me realize how fragile my situation is. Sure I have a job and I have benefits and all. But my salary really isn't enough to live on my own in NYC. If I were to move out into my own place, even a studio, after rent, utilities and all the stuff, I need to pay for to get to and form work I wouldn't have enough for food or any savings. So right now I am waiting to see how my job thing pans out and see if there's more money coming my way, otherwise the idea of looking for a better job has to be explored. i”m not giving any major thought into it yet, but there is a lot of factors about what my skills are as far as a new job. As I said I am not close to looking yet, but it isn't totally out of the question. Then again I am trying not to let the whole situation totally take over my life. I”m just going ot keep on keeping on and see what I can do and what comes from things. Hell all I probably need is help budgeting my money more for all I know!

Before I get into something that has been pissing me off about other people when it comes to me, let me just say that if you aren't watching the show “Shark” on CBS, you're missing a great show. First it stars James Woods, one of the coolest motherfuckers around. Second, it's a well written show where they really make James Wood's assholeness shine. If you get a chance Tivo the show, it's really a good watch.

Now onto something that people tell me that really grates on me. Some people claim they know who I am and that what I write here isn't the truth... Do ya? Do ya know me? How is it that someone knows me? Is it because they talk to me and hang out with me all the time? People who have thought they knew me would try to do things thinking they could predict how I would react. I can tell you right here that when someone tries that, they lose and they lose big. Hell I think one of those losers still reads this and can't get past me, probably because the pain of losing someone that was so goddamn awesome is a tough pill to swallow. Funny part is that if it is who I may think it is (I won't just make assumptions since I have been known to have broken several hearts), I did give her a couple more chances but her self sabotaging attitude did screw it up, since the first time around was going well, but too well for her apparently. See, when one just thinks they know all about me, they try to control me; I hate people trying to control me. But the thing is these people who do try to control me only see part of the picture that is me. If I feel as if someone is going to try to control me, I'll make sure that what I do is the complete opposite or different so that it makes their lives a living hell, just to teach them a lesson. The best way I can describe it is through a quote wrestler Roddy Piper always said: “Just when you think you got all the answers, I change the questions.”

Funny what you can learn from movies. My cousin and I were talking about “A Bronx Tale” last night, and the famous test for guys to try on their dates to see if they are worth asking out. Long story short, it's when the guy opens the passenger side door for the chick, she gets in. He closes the door and walks around the car. The test is that if she leans over to unlock his door, she's a keeper. If she doesn't she's not worthy of even another date. If she is selfish enough not to open your door after you take her out, imagine what other selfish attitudes does she have? She's not worth it. It's amazing that every time this has happened when a chick wouldn't unlock my door, her selfishness came out not long after and things fall apart. Now it's at a point where if she doesn't unlock my door, i may not even call her after the date, it's that accurate of a test.

Now onto something that I have came up with after some thought. I emailed this to a female friend of mine who thinks this is a harsh attitude to take, but I think it's a right attitude to take not just in a relationship, but with people in general (but it's written geared more to relationships, it can be applied to all people in life). I know it may seem out there and harsh, but hopefully after reading this you may understand it better. You are entitled to your opinions, but understand that after all I have been through in my life, and taking the time to think this through, I feel what I am about to say here is right.

First, take into consideration that every woman, either consciously or unconsciously, hold guys to a standard that they have to meet in order to earn things from the woman (sex, companionship, dates, etc.), This has been going on since the beginning of the species. Women always measure up a guy in a way that tests their ability to provide for them, if their genes would make a good offspring or a genetic disaster. Modern times also throws in the idea of monogamy so the question if he can be a good partner for life. Women, whether they know it or not, will always hold men to the standard they know they want a mate to meet, and it is always the guy's job to sell himself and prove themselves to the woman in order to earn whatever the woman is offering. Now guys are generally scum and will say whatever it takes to get what they want, and women always call them out to do what they say. If the guy does what he said he was going to do for her, he is rewarded (maybe a date, sex, whatever he was asking for at the time). Now if he fails, the woman punishes him by taking away something that he earned form her (why do you think withholding sex is done?). Or she may find all his talk was just that and drop him like that and it's supposed to just be accepted.

I think it's time for women to live to the same standards they put on men. I mean if this is the time of equality for women, why can't this be included? Why shouldn't the guy be able to hold women to that same standard and reward/punish her accordingly? Take me for example and how I am going to treat women and people in general form now on: I will talk to a chick for a while, and after a certain amount of time and after hearing what she has to say, I may reward her with a date, but still take whatever she said with a grain of salt until she actually proves to me she means what she says and does what she says. If she does and acts like how she said she does, I may reward her honesty with another date. If she doesn't live up to it and I call her out on it and there is a problem with it, she is punished by me not calling her for a bit or just dropping her altogether (maybe just leave right then and there and go home-has happened before). As far as I am concerned I am in the right since she could have done the same thing if the roles were reversed.

Now lets say things are going well and there's no stress or anything and me and her are going well. I'll get the flowers and candy and stuff not to try to win affection from her like most guys do, but to show her that I appreciate what she has done so far. She has been honest with me and hasn't led me on in any way, so I reward her for it. She may do the same thing to appreciate what I have done as well. What happens over time if she does lead me on or messes up by not living up to her "hype"? well i could punish her by not giving her the attention she got before or just go "bye, nice knowing you" and ending the thing. Why waste my time if she isn't giving me what I want?

I know what you're thinking: what about love and the feelings related to love? Oh it's still there, the butterflies in the tummy, warm feelings, and all that. Just that to keep them going one has to give what the other wants to make them satisfied. True love to me is two people who know what they want from the other and gets it but also giving what the other wants equally, without any deception or stress created by either one. I felt that once, and I really want it again. It's a powerful thing and probably one of the most powerful and dangerous drugs in the world. Christ, look at the dumb shit that is one in the name of love? All that is the equivalent of crackheads who are so desperate for love they would do anything just to get it.

If it means I have to roam the earth looking for it for 50 years, I will. If I never meet someone who can give me this, so be it. The important thing is I know what I want and I will never be the spineless, pussy starved and whipped boy, that I see a lot of. You know who I am talking about, the guy who would sell his own mother out if it meant he got laid. the guy who will flip flop on his beliefs just so some chick would smile to him. I will never be that guy, and as I said if it means a life of solitude and emptiness, I am prepared for it,

I downloaded the new Korn album that came out today, and all I can say is that it is good, think Nine Inch Nails more than the old Korn stuff, but still it is a good hard rock album. For the most part I like all the tracks on it, though a couple of them are a little slow. I've been listening to all my music I put on my computer and I forgot how good my music was. I have it set to shuffle, so whoever has my IM address and is looking at my music selection, it's quite an interesting group of songs.

I just noticed it's August now, and that means in a couple weeks is my vacation. The only thing I have planned is shaving the mustache part of my goatee off just to change things up. I'm doing it on my vacation so if it looks stupid to me (who's opinion only really matters), I have a week to start growing it in. Other than that, I have nothing really planned. So if one of you want me to visit for the day or a couple days, and it's not gong to cost me a ton to show up, let me know and I'll see if I think you are worth adding to the itinerary. Also August is my birthday on the 29th. Not sure what's going to happen with that, maybe go drink the weekend before or after, who th hell knows. What do I want?? nothing in particular, at least not what one can get for me. I have something I would love to have happen on my B-day but realistically it would never happen, learned that a couple times in the past.

My podcast idea has grown some legs. Got someone interested in doing it, but it's more of a logistics thing that needs a lot of work. Maybe one day I'll get a chance to sit down and figure this shit out.