God I hate the summertime!!! sure, the ladies do dress real interesting and all, but I can't stand the heat and humidity!!! Today I went for a short walk (felt like a swim), and the sweat was just pouring out of me!! It also sucks that with all the heavy air, it's not the best to breathe in. I am really miserable in this weather. I remember when I wroked in TV, having to lug all this equpiment around in this type of heat, It made the day feel like it was 30 hours instead of the 8 I was working. I also tend to get sleepy in the heat (ironicly, I can't sleep in this weather!). Give me the cold months anyday!!! I stay awake in it, and I'm more productive!! plus at the end of the day, I smell less offensive in the cold weather.

Today, I did something I haven't done in a long time....go to a Metrostars game!!!! For my birthday, my parents gave me some money to go. I went to the stadium, and hung out in the parking lot. there were NO clouds in the sky, so I was nervous about getting burned (I did have sunscreen and a hat on, along with me sitting under someone's canopy). After several hours of hanging out, it was time for the game. I forgot how fun it was at games, where I'm making an ass of myself singing, chanting, yelling at the other teams players (along with others). I felt so happy hanging out doing this, even though the game ended in a tie. Only downer was that it took me over an hour and a half to get home ( usually it only takes no more that 30 minutes to get to/from the stadium).


So that's what I did on my birthday, I was supposed to see some relatives, but they showed up while I was out. I didn't plan on that, it just happened that way.

Today is the mass exedous of people form the city, and to the city at the same time. SO for the next week, Midtown is going to be a madhouse (no matter how organized the security is there, it's still going to suck). Now what's going to be fun is when the cops, the people that are supposed to be there (GOP people), and the Hooligans (protestors and anarchists that SHOULDN"T be there, but are jsut for the attention), all get together. The senerios they are describing for this reminds me of the stories I heard about the old days in England when there were terraces instead of seats and security was lax. Usually it was three groups:

1. Supporters that went to the game to watch the game
2. Supporters that went to drink and have fun while watching the game
3. guys that had nothing to do with the game/team but wanted to go for a fight (refered to as Hooligans)

this convention reminds me also of when there would be a big event at PSU. They would have an event, and every "group" would come out of the woodwork and protest something...even if it had nothing to do with the event!!!! The best way I could describe it would be watch the movie PCU (great underated comedy with John Favreau, David Spade, and George Clinton performing in it). it's supposed to be a satire of college life, but it's scary how close to the college experience I had....

Tomorrow starts the weekend, and so far I have nothing to do tomorrow or Sat. night. I was supposed to have some relatives over, but they cancelled tonight. Eh, no big deal. Either way it doesn't matter (I only knew they were going to show up since last night).

I found a cool way to kill time: Online poker (don't worry, I'm not using real money!!). Found a site where it's free to play, and I have bene playing for quite a while tonight. I'm starting to like Texas Hold 'em. I watch it on TV, it's like the bowling for the new millenium....plus it's just funny to watch some dude get housed in about 5 hand on these shows!!! The game is fun to play, though I'm still learning, I'm still enjoying it.

Hope you all have a good weekend, I plan to...but with what I plan on doing, I may not remember what I do!!!

I am an impact player, and not just because I look like Justin Credible (pro wrestling joke). What I mean is that I have been able to make an impact in many lives, both good and unfortunatly bad.

I was sitting here thinking about all that has happened to me this past year (from my last birthday to this one coming up), and it absolutly blows my mind how many lives I have made an impact in. I think back to when I helped my Aunt and cousins out when my uncle was in the hospital. If it weren't for me, it would have been difficult for them to see my uncle and be with him during the day, and it would have been difficult for my Aunt and cousins to help him when he need it in the hospital. This realization came to me after my uncle passed away, when all my family were always thanking me for what I did, even refered to me as a "saint".

I also was thinking back to the people I have met and lost contact with due to various reasons. Most of these people betrayed me in some form and they are now dead to me, but the time we had together had a tremendous impact on me and how I now live my life.

I just realized what impact a decision I made had on somone and how it made them feel sad. Knowing what I know now, I would have never would have said to this person, especially considering the impact this person has had in my life recently. I hope to payback the kindness and consideration this person has shown me. This person didn't have to do all this, and could have told me to piss off when I told this person something I realized cause much pain and unhappiness. I regret saying what I did to this person, and hope in the future I don't do or say something as dumb as I said.

well, that little post I had the other day.....well so far since I made that post:

1. I lost a "friend" (thought she was at least) now because I chose to be honest at the wrong time
2. I seem to make people uncomfortable lately, yet I don't mean to...
3. still don't know what the hell's going on around me

All I know in my life now is that everything seems so out of whack. I hope after this weekend, my head gets back together, since most of my thoughts are about this weekend and what it means to me(BTW, today is the day I told my parents I was quitting my job and why. And to this day, they think it's the best decision I've ever made). Oh well, you all shouldn't worry about me, things do tend to work themselves out for me, most of the time it's more work itself out be sh*t luck, but in the end it turns out all good...

I may sound crazy here....

Today, I spent the day thinking about a lot of things in my life, and what has happend in my life. I came to a realization....I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what I have now can go away at any second. What I mean is that all that's in my life can dissappear if I make wrong decisions. I have a lot in my life that's very important in to me, and I just feel that I'm just one screwup away from being on my ass with nothing around. I'm just afraid that what I'm doing now is just enough to keep things together, but if I try to do something different, it could go away. It's almost as if i'm standing in a small boat during a storm, and if I shift in one direction or another, I'll be in the drink!!!!

Most of this has been coming up due to my frustrations after the past years of failure and the 29th of this month is the day where all this comes to a head since 2001. I wish I didn't pick my birthday to make this massive decision that i've been forced to live with since.

I don't know, then again as Denis Leary one said "Life sucks, get a f*cking helmet!" Gotta find where I put my helmet

my night

Tonight, I went out to the bar with some friends and we watched the Metros lose....I get called the teams bad luck, and I leave. I go get something to eat, and catch the train home. After I get home, and I just spent 3 hours online with an incredible person. I've been talking to her for the past couple days and her honesty and humor has made me feel the happiest i've felt in a long time. We have shared a lot about each other, some stuff I shared with her that now only she knows becides me, and we have a lot in common. I look forward to talking to her, and reading what she emails me. Right now we are just friends, which is cool with me. Even if it just stays like this I still would be very happy. She has started to become a very special person and someone I'm proud to call a friend.

BTW I realized it's one more week till my birthday. I'm going to a soccer game, and hopefully it'll distract me from the sadness i usually feel on my birthday now.

=)

The past couple days have been interesting.=) Yesterday I didn't do a whole lot, the biggest thing was that I was up all night talking to someone important and had to stop talking at 2 am =). I got up at 8:30 this morning, went for my walk around the neighborhood and sweated my ass off. after I got home, I took a shower and shaved and felt a hell of a lot better, but the humidty didn't make me feel totally good, but at least I didn't smell like ass, feet, or sweat!! =) After my shower, I got down to buisness and scoured the internet looking for a job. I ended up sending out about 10 applications today, I doubt i'll even hear from one company, but that would just be normal for me! =)

Tonight I spent most of it perusing all my favorite message boards looking for something/someone to yell at, and i watched a DVD. Tonight I watched Jay and Silent Bob Stike Back =). A great film, but it's best to watch it after seeing all of Kevin Smith's other films, since they are all tied together somehow. I also solidified my plans for tomorrow night, where I'm going to Christopher Street to meet up with some friends at a bar to watch the Metros away game. =) I'm looking forward to this since I haven't talked much to these guys in months, since I haven't been going to any games due to lack of funds/schedule.

Of course, on the net here the ladies throw themselves at me on IM (you know, just like in real life...*crickets* *crickets*), but I can't talk to any of them, since I'm busy getting to know one that so far has been really cool to me =). I hope it's legit, and not like what happened to me before. On the bright side, she has been reading my inane BS here and so far she says she likes it. =) and I hope she does read theparts about what I look for in a person and my ten commandments....since I follow those to the T. Maybe she'll convert and be a follower too...=)

wow, didnt' do anything today, nothing for my jobsearch, not a damn thing productive!!!!! I got up at 10 (usually I get up at 8-8:30, but I didn't set my alarm), but it was nice to get some extra sleep. After checking my email and some websites, I went for my walk. These walks have been helping me. Not only does it help clear my head, I"ve lost weight doing them. When I looked in the mirror after my shower, I noticed I looked less grotesque..I looked thinner and my gut is going away... After all this, I just sat around and read the papers, looked around the internet for various things, and just hung around the house all day. It just sucked. Tomorrow, I hope to gt smoe job search stuff done, I have to!!!

I had my interview with an ambulette service this afternoon, and it doesn't look good. First, the place looks like a complete mess, bnot organized at all. After having my interview the guy said that I may not have a good chance because all the other resumes he has recieved were from people with more experience. I 'm supposed to hear in a couple weeks, but I won't be sh*tting myself with woe if I don't get it, even the part-time he said I may get to "get me feet wet".

Looks like I"m back to sending out my resume to random people again, now I feel bad I didn't say I could strt immediatly at that other place, but another part of me says that being a door-to-door telemarketer working only on commission doesn't sound too appealing. But stll, a job would have been a job.

All I (and I"m sure many people) ask for from someone (especially ladies) is three things:
1. they are open and honest with me
2. they are willing to communicate with me, and not shut me out
3. willing to accept me for what I am, including all me faults

If people do this with me, I do the exact same thing....and I'm loyal and supportave of them. If they betray my trust, they are dead to me. I mention this here tonight because some people did that today (actually thie past week, I found out about this today). Usually I'd just tell them to piss off and this would be the end of it, but what happened to day was a lot like what happened to me not too long ago, and after hearing the news, I had all these flashbacks about the other time and I was in a real bad funk for the entire day. maybe a good nights sleep will help...

Smiling

I was thinking about smiling today, don't ask me why but I was. I don't smile a lot in pictures, but I'm known to smile a lot...especailly if i'm lying (not that I do that a whole lot, but it is a dead giveaway according to some people that know me). I looked at some old pictures of me today going through some old files in my computer. I honestly think I look stupid when I smile, hence why I usually don't smile in pictures. One night, I was asked about this by someone, and I said I just think I look stupid when I do in pictures. Well, they didn't believe me when I said this, and asked to see some pictures of me smiling. I eventually found a couple and sent them (though one I know for a fact I was out of my mind, 5 hours on a bus filled with alcohol and various recreational drugs and certifiable psychos would make any man smile). So I send them, and all I heard was how nice I looked and how cute I looked smiled. I still dont' see it, but then again, I am my own worst critic. Maybe I should smile more, maybe it'll make people around me feel better.

I'm still a little down about the job thing yesterday. I really shouldn't be but I am. I'm more worried if I can get this interview at the ambulatory place that emailed me Thurs. I was supposed to call them Friday, but couldn't since I was occupied. I sent them an email Thursday night explaininng what was going on and that I would like to be interviewed. I haven't heard back from them, but I'm going to call them on Monday to see what's going on.

now if you excuse me, there's alcohol in my refrigerator that I must attend to.....

3 men were applying to 2 spots at this marketing firm today....

Gee..guess who was the odd man out!!!!

Allright, so I didn't get the job....and I"m sorta glad I didn't. It turned into be ing a door-to-door sales man to businesses, as in just walking in and hitting them with a shtick to try and get them to buy crap for the their office, in essence a walking telemarketer. If I were to get the job, my "salary" would have been all commission...15%-25% of what I sold (varied for a few reasons I don't feel like adding or care to). And from my observarion today, it would have only be barely anything (the few people who actually bought something today was like $40-100/pop). And this is after walking around in circles to different places to either get blown off or lied to. This doesn't count the fact I had to pay for the bus/train and my lunch on this trip. The funniest part is that one of the people that I was observing (and the one to determine if I would get the job) looked like a woman I shortly was seeing in college (not a good thing, she was cute but crazy with an "Cutting-edge" fetish...and this woman I was put with today looked damn near identical) . After getting back to their offices and finding that I felt dirty around these salesmen/saleswoman I was pulled to the side and told that they had 2 openings, and they were going with 2 others due to the fact that they couls start Monday, and I said I couldn't. I was a little sad, but sorta glad since I wasn't feeling the job. But I did look damn good in my suit again!!!

Now I can hopefully get an interview with an ambulatory service here in Queens for a medical billing job. They emailed me last night abot setting up an interview, but I couldn't call them today, but sent an email to them but as of now didn't get a response...have to call them tomorrow.

Seeing the weather is going to be really sucky this weekend, I have nothing planned now. Hopefully I can find someone else who also has nothing to do this weekend to hang out with....

Well, tommorrow I got my second round interview/all-day presentation of what I would be doing if I was hired by this group. I have no high expectations about this, something still seems shady about all this. I"m going for the experience, and see if this jobis what I really think it is: a glorified door-to-door salesman. If after all this I hear the word "commission" more than salary, I"m going to jet. I can't do a comission job, no matter how much you kill yourself and sacrifice to do all the work, you don't make the money back. On the bright side, a ambulatory service in Queens here said they want to set up an interview about a medical billing position, so I'm definatly going to do that.

This weekend looks like a washout...and that really aggrivates me. I planned on going out to Brooklyn and runnig one of my R/C cars out there, something I haven't don in a while and something I need to do to clear my head.

Well, today I had my interview this afternoon. Now, you know it's going ot be interesting when the people you are interviewing with email you the wrong directions to their office. Once I found the place (20 mins late, and that the building they were in had almost no marks to identify itself), I go in. The entire interview was no more than 20 mins. and i thought it was going ot be the last time I hear from them. Well tonight I get a call asking me to come back in for a second intervew on Friday....it's from 9am-6pm and I basicly am going in to see what this position is by seeing how it's done (outside sales postition, they told me to dress professionally and wear comfortable shoes...).

maybe I'll post more about this tomorrow, i'm not in the mood to post now....

This is a short post. Tomorrow after noon I have a job interview on the Island with a PR/Marketing firm. For some reason I think it's a scam (there's quite a few of these scams in the area). I'm still going jsut to get out of the house, and I look damn good in my suit since I started walking and lost a good part of my gut. Looks like I'll find out tomorrow. I hope it is legit and I get the job. I really want to work, and I'm feeling a lot of pressure about all this.

19 more days until I get to be happy and sad at the same time!!!

If I seem a little down or in a perpetual bad mood for the rest of the month there's a reason. August is the month were my birthday falls in....I know what you are saying "why the hell would he be unhappy if his birthday is coming up soon?" Well, it sucks and is happy at the same time. Happy that it is my birthday, but sucks because it's also the day I quit my last "real" job. I remember quitting it because I was so fed up beting treated like an "outsider" and being a victim to in-house polititcs, and all this going on affected the quality of my work (I believe I went over this in another entry). Since then, I've spent my birthdays in a bitter, bad mood. I'm ususally in this mood because of the fact that I chose to leave my job and I thought that I'd have no problem finding a job in the City and could get "back in the saddle" again living in the City. Well things didn't turn out that way, and usually I can be found in my bedroom on my birthday under my covers hoping the day goes by fast. Maybe things will be different this time around, but that's what I said last year and the year before.

Anyway other than that, I've been busting my ass getting my resumes and crap out to people. I got a copy of my sister's listing of doctors under her health insurance, and have started sendng resumes to different doctors in there. It was really interesting today trying to get my cover letter typed up. I don't know if it's because I'm so hard on myself, or I may have writers block, but all the stuff Iwas writing I thought sucked. This went on for over an hour, and at one point I just decided to use what I had (changing adderesses on it to make it seem more personal) and just send it out. I figured it's a snowballs' chance in hell anyway, so might as well get it over with, send it out, and see what happens. Also applied for a cahsier's position at a drug store in my neighborhood, but since I only speak English, there's a chance I won't even get an interview....

Now I think I'll go under my Penn State blanket and get some sleep...gotta get up early to start this cycle over again

Where do I start with this weekend....well, Saturday I got up, showered and shaved my head, and spent the morning looking for a job on the internet (I even do this on the weekends, just because.) I found a couple things to apply to, and then after doing this, I went for a walk, and it ended being about 3-4 miles. I felt like going to the mall, since I had nothing to do, so I walked. Amazed me that you don't realize how far places are when you drive to them. I drove this one street for years going to the mall, but walking it made it really put it in perspective. I get to the mall, and walked around to the different stores looking at crap I can't afford now, and then walked back. When I got home, I just hung out and played video games to keep my mind occupied. After dinner, for some reason I felt horrible, must be from all the walking and the fact that I haven't slept a lot the past couple nights. So at about 9, I decided to go online to check my email and some websites. About a half hour later, I couldn't keep myself awake, and decided to lay down after writing my last email. I get into bed and under my Penn State blanket, and next thing I know, I'm awoken by the alarm I set for Sunday morning.

Today, I went out to a brunch for my Aunt's mother-in-law's 90th birthday. I went out to my Aunt and Uncle's house on the Island, and I think myself and my father wasn't wearing a shirt with a flower pattern on it....check that, my cousin who came didn't have one either. Also, there was some drinking going on!!! I was offered many times a drink, but chose not to...don't ask why I just didn't want to drink. Well after about a half hour and most of my relatives half in the bag, we go to this brunch. We go eat at a Mediterranean buffet. At this point, I wasn't hungery, but I didn't want to insult my relatives and not eat anything. So I had some of the different chicken entrees they had out. Most of it was very good, especially this pineapple chicken they had. After several dishes of food and about 5-6 cups of coffee, I was so stuffed.

We leave the place, get back to my Aunt and Uncle's house, and then my family goes home. I didn't feel too hot since eating so much, so I chose to go for a walk. I thought it would help make me feel better. It helped a bit, but I still felt like I was about to explode. I start watching the Nascar race and started cursing like a sailor because of who was winning and he ended up winning the race. Well I was in a fowl mood and went into my kitchen....WHERE MY MOTHER WAS MAKING DINNER!!!! So I said a couple words...many that shouldn't be said around a mother. So Dinner time comes along and I was sitting at the table just hearing my stomach whimpering. I barely had one hot dog and some macaroni and cheese, in fact my dog got about 1/4 of my hot dog after my stomach started screaming "No Mas" like it was Roberto Duran.

After dinner, I Sat in my room all night watching movies. Watched "Mallrats" and Denis Leary: No Cure for Cancer". And now I'm here writing this. As I write this I'm watching "Growing up Gotti". It's an...interesting show. All I can say is half of me really likes to see an Italian American Family on TV, while the other half likes to see the fact that they are playing up all the negative stereotypes to have the world laugh at them (I'm half-Italian/Half Irish, guess which half is saying what!!!)

That's all I got to say now, I"m going to go watch more TV, and I"m still pissed no sports television on my cable....I pine to watch Metrostars soccer, and they won tonight and I couldn't see it....but I got to see the Mets, though watching part of the game made me wish Ch 11 blacked out during the game

I have nothing really to say tonight. I'm just so frustrated with this job search, it's got me down a bit. But I hope somthing changes soon as far as that goes. I feel like I'm being punished for my past decisions, I don't get it. But at the same time, I've been very happy as well. Seems everynight I go to bed with a smile on my face, just that I'm going to bed alone, but I can't help that right now. It's nice to be able to talk to someone that will listen to me and (so far) not run away from me, and also let me listen to them. It's really been cool and really makes me relaxed at the end of the night.

Kris Benson can lose all his starts for the Mets....

Provided his wife comes to every game!!!!

and may God help the Mets of they screw up and not sign him to a deal...he's not a bad pitcher also!!!

I don't get it with companies. I apply to several different companies and not one responds. I'm talking after a week or two, beyond the standard email saying "thanks for applying to our company..." I call these people up to see if they had gotten my application/resume, and most act like they aren't even hiring. This is the part of the job search I find incredibly frustrating. It doesn't help i'm impatient, but it still really bothers me that I take the time to apply to a postition, and I never hear back. If I were to continue to call and ask, that could put my in a worse situation for the job. Along with this, I'm suck of the "you're under/over qualified" crap. The most irritating part of this is when the person I am being interviewed by keeps complimenting me on my stuff on the resume, then says he won't hire me for the position I'm there for and he'll "send my resume right to the department where I would be a much better fit in." This also goes along with the question "why are you applying for this postition?" this is one of the worst loaded questions out there...if you answer it one way, you can come off as cocky. If you answer it another way, you can come off as desperate. I'm at the point where I answer it like this: "I am here for the position because this is one of the few available jobs in this current state of the economy that I am qualified for." May not be the best answer, but this is how I feel and he can't call me out on it's honesty.

Funny part was I was thinking of posting my resume up here just in case one of the few people who happen to read my rambling, pointless, BS happens to have a position I can fill and see the awesome qualifications I have, and I'm sure some of you that read this have many colorful postitions you'd like to put me in!!! maybe I will post it one day, but maybe I won't.

Did you ever feel that you have the power to makeotherpeople happy, but for some reason you can't make yourself "happy"? I don't know, it seems that I have this gift. I tend to make other people happy everyday, if by making them smile, laugh, doing things for them, or feel better about themselves. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I can do that, but for some reason, I don't feel "happy". I do feel good a lot, but not "happy" (by this i mean that I feel good about myself for a sustained period of time). Recently this has started to change, but no matter what I always have that slight feeling that I may fail at something ir screw it up. I like to think that in order to be happy, I have to conguer this small feeling, and I'll be happy. Like I said, recent things that have happened in my life have started to change this mindset i've been in for a while, and hopefully this changes sooner than later, cause the past few days I've felt a hell of a lot better about myself and hope it doesn't end soon.

This mindset of the fear of failure in the back of my mind though I feel has sabotaged my attempted successes. The only way I can describe this is: did you ever do something that turned something you were doing bad, but you only realize what you did wrong soon after everything goes wrong? That's what I mean by "sabotage". I've been on countless interviews where I said or did something that later I realize I made a bad move and may have killed my chances of getting that job. I"ve also felt that when talking to the ladies, or doing some things in general. It sucks haveing this mindset, and I think it's one of those thing that just seem to stop, or I do something right to make me feel confident. I never really felt really confident about myself most of my life, due to being shy from being "different" with my cataracts and ankle problems. I was thankful to have friends and people in my life that were able to look past that and that has helped, but still they were the minority. Right now, this has started to change dramaticly, almost to the point where I just don't care what happens (don't know how good this is, but I feel better) with what I do or say. It is a real refreshing feeling, and the only way I would be able to dothings like write things like this for others to see.

Now for something totally different. Tomorrow I get to shave my head and face, been 5 days since I did that and it also didn't help I had a sunburn on my head and face, and I am getting bushy. If some of you saw me right now, you wouldn't think that about my head, but being a guy who usually shaves his head every 2-3 days, I feel like I have the long hair I had in High School and part of college!!!!